[osiris]

I work at Teletech a I.T firm for Accoutin software
Ive heard some I.T horror stories in my time but this one takes the cake...

Me: "Thank you for calling, how can I help you?"
Him: "Yeah, I want my data back. You need my phone number?"
Me: "Back? What's happened to your data?"
Him: "It's gone. I need it back. Let's get this going, hmmm?"
Me: "Ummm...sir, what happened to it?"
Him: "Don't you worry about that. Just give me my freaking data."
Me: "Well, we have several options for data replacement. If you can send us a listing of the stocks you had--"
Him: "Send you a list? I don't have time for this !@*#$!&. Give me my data."
Me: "Uh, unfortunately, it's not that easy. We can--"
Him: "Look, buddy, don't jerk me around. Just press your little whachamajiggers there, zip me down my data, and we're good, ok?"
Me: "Well, sir, these are your options. You can--"
Him: "*$#& you, you stupid ?&$! Stick those options up your @#$*! Why won't you give me my data!?!?"

For the next half hour, I try to explain amidst all the interruptions that he is going to have to pay for the replacement data, either by downloading it again or by getting it on disk from us, and that it would be Monday at the earliest (this was Friday, one hour before closing) before he got it back regardless of which method he chose. This, of course, was unacceptable and resulted in me being subjected to more tirades of ridiculous cursing and genetic analysis. Finally, just to change the subject (he refused to hang up, which I was hoping for), I inquired further into the whereabouts of his missing data.

Me: "Sir, what exactly was it that happened to your data?"
Him: "You have it there! What the hell is in your head?"
Me: "What happened to the data you used to have?"
Him: "Well, this is a new computer, and I need it here, if you morons can handle that."
Me: "Oh! Well, we can transfer it from the old machine. Is it--"
Him: "Nope, nope, can't do that. It's dead."
Me: "Dead?"
Him: "That's right, dead. Your software killed it, so I threw it away."
Me: "You...threw it away? What was wrong with it?"
Him: "What are you, deaf?!? It wouldn't work any more, the monitor, laser printer, nothing, so I threw it all away."
Me: "You threw away the printer?!?"
Him: "Yeah, damn thing cost me $8000 to replace it all, and I'm gonna sue you guys!"
Me: "Well, um, what was wrong with it? Did it get hit by lightning or something?"
Him: "I told you, your software killed it! You got @#!+ in your ears? I put your $#^&*# disk in, and the whole computer just died."
Me: "Died."
Him: "That's right, pooboy!! It wouldn't load anymore, not even windows, just a blank screen with some gobbledygook babble on it."
Me: "What babble was this? An error message?"
Him: "You're damn right, an error message, caused by your software!!! I hope you can clean toilets, buddy!"
Me: "Do you have the error message written down somewhere?"
Him: "Well, Mr. Smartypants, as a matter of fact I do! And I'm gonna use it in court to see you in rags!"
Me: "What's it say?"
Him: (rustle, rustle, curse, curse, mutter) "Ah hah! Here it is! It says, 'Non System Disk or Disk Error!' You'll pay for this!"

At this point, I, and the other techs who were listening in by now, shared a great laugh, which I didn't bother to mute.

Me: "Sir, you will be happy to know that you threw away a perfectly good $8000 set of machinery because you were stupid enough to leave a disk in the drive."
Him: (long silence) "...well, I'm still gonna sue you guys..."
Me: "I want front row seats in the courtroom. Have a nice evening." (click)

[hoaxie]

OMG! That is a riot... I wish I could have sued every time that happened to me... dang it sucks being smart enough to figure that one out!
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LONG LIVE THE 'VILLE!

[bobins]

i needed a good laugh as im in damn school... thx... lol. how dull. the message tells ya what ta do.. lmao. if i got a new comp every time that happened to me i would of gone through hundreds... lmao
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[`RaphX]

That's how Technicla Support people earn their money.
Just in case some of you haven't seen it: http://www.theville.org/forum/viewtopic.php?p=79614&highlight=#79614

[Bada Bing]

Too funny
Thats is as good as when I asked a operator if his monitor was OnFullForce and he said why yes it is. So I told him to turn it On because the OnFullForce position means OFF.
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Are you threatening me ???

[cobra]

lol. And wait until he will get his phone bill. i think he will be cursing a lot more at that moment.
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PROUD TO BE A MEMBER OF =US-V= & VILLE $UPPORTER

[DukeNukem]

The following has been shown to be an Urban Legend, but is still hillarious. (Some of you have probably read this before)

"Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?" [Note: this line is a good clue that this is an Urban Legend]

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

....."Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

....."Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

....."Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach it."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes. I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really! Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
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=US-])uke]\[ukem-V=
I STINK, therefore I SPAM! [doctored Descartes]

[Da Omega Snipa]

LOL i was looking for a good laugh
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Da Canadian Snipa

whats that dot... AHHHHH MY HEAD WHERES MY HEAD
wow i'm burning toooooooo vP thanks to comp

[cobra]

that guy is even more stupid then the first one.
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PROUD TO BE A MEMBER OF =US-V= & VILLE $UPPORTER

[BitterBeerFace]

This is no joke, it's from personal experience.

We rent classrooms with 20-30 PCs each out for training sessions. One of the first days I was here, I walked into a room and saw this written on the chalkboard:

Administrator
xxxxxxxxxxx

Now, at the time, that was the same password for both local machines, AND the uber administrator account on our domain controller, the watchguard box, exchange server, webserver etc etc etc. I just about soiled myself right there. Within the day, I had changed the domain admin passwords, all the other ones except each local (non-server) station. Then I get in trouble for changing all those passwords. At that moment, I was the only one who knew the new passwords, (good thing I didn't die unexpectedly) and I've only let 2 others know now, because they have to.

Sadly, that administrator account is still in effect locally, but at least no enterprising punk in a training session can screw with our servers now.

[sharkbyte]

[sharkbyte]

The following is an excerpt from NetNotify, Volume 1, Ed. 16. (I couldn't find an archive that went beyond Ed. 13, so I have transcribed it here.)

This might give you some idea what IT/Tech Support people put up with...

"...Being a tech has got to be one of the most unappreciated jobs there is. You want stress? Become a tech. You want to feel unappreciated? Become a tech.

Those not in the technical support bix have this jaded opinion that the only real requirement to being a good tech is solid hardware and software experience. Bah. There's so much more to doing the job, being a tech makes most other careers look like a walk in the park.

MCT's (Magazine Certified Technicians) are the first problem that any tech must learn to overcome. Typically holding positions in Sr. Management, the MCT's receive their training from the numerous computer industry publications. Becoming an MCT is two-fold. First, you religiously pour over published product reviews and columns and then browbeat the corporate techs over their poor product choices - 'John Doe columnist said product X is the best, obviously he's right'. Second, you read cool tips and tricks in high-level technical publications and then decide to start mucking around with your Windows registry...it's just so easy.

Next, the tech must have the uncanny ability to appear overly appreciative when given the tools needed to do their job in the first place. Do you tell a fireman "Sorry Tim. There's no money this year for fire hoses. Just keep using that Super Soaker squirt gun until next year?" Of course not.

Those that choose the path of a support tech must thoroughly enjoy abuse. When something breaks, no matter how big or small the problem is, there's a very good chance that you'll be the fall guy. Those fixes, direct from the vendor, that you installed to resolve problems which result in more problems - your fault. Not the vendor's fault for sloppy coding. When the server runs out of disk space, in the middle of the day - your fault. Not your manager's fault for not approving the PO for new disk drives you put in 6 months ago. Your fault for not spending more time to convince your manager that space was kind of important.

The most important thing every tech will need - patience, and lots of it. You must understand that just because a user can remember every single credit card number they have, their drivers license number, and they can recite the alphabet backwards, that doesn't mean they won't forget their 5 character password every Monday.

Another job requirement that you must learn to swallow, if you work full-time, is that your professional opinion will usually be in question. The company can't afford to give you that 5% pay increase this year, however, they'll pay a consultant, with half your experience, $1000/day to come in and tell management the exact same thing you've been saying for the past 5 years.

Being a tech isn't all bad. Actually, if you like helping people, and you're into computers, it's a great job. As for the stress and strain of end-user support, it's annoying, but easily dealt with. You would be surprised at just how many end-users will learn to cut you some slack when they catch you on your lunch break, sitting in your office, staring at a computer with eyes wide open, rocking back and forth mumbling a bunch of gibberish. In just 5 minutes a day, you too can have your end-users thinking you're just one step away from being dragged out in the white coat, forever forced to eat steak with a spoon."

Sorry it was so long, but I thought you might enjoy it. Now, please forgive me while I get back to my rocking, and slobbering, and mumbling.

Also, I am actually Systems Administrator here...but not a whole lot has changed from being a newbie tech.
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[sharkbyte]

Oh...and one more. (You may have seen this before.)

"How To Please Your IT Department"

1. When you call us, to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies, and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When I.T. support sends you and email of high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

4. When the photocopier doesn't work, call tech support. There's electronics in it.

5. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

6. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

7. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

8. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
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[Da Omega Snipa]

LOL Tripple post damn man u spam lol

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Da Canadian Snipa

whats that dot... AHHHHH MY HEAD WHERES MY HEAD
wow i'm burning toooooooo vP thanks to comp

[sharkbyte]

After 16 years in the tech biz, you end up with a lot of stories to tell.
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