[Bada Bing]

A happy, little horse fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when she
happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. Since it had been hours
since her last
meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down
to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
She ate... And ate...and then. she ate some
more!!!

Finally, she decided she'd had plenty.
She washed her face with her tiny
front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas...she
had pigged out far too much and could not get off the pile.

She looked around wondering what to do about this
unpleasant situation when she spotted
a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.

She'd found a solution!!
She realized if she could just become airborne
she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly, climbed
to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her
tiny
fly wings, and
leaped confidently into the air.

She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor! Dead Fly....



The moral of this sad story?



Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[Bada Bing]

Here is one for our female members.

Why don't men get MAD COW Disease?
















Because MEN ARE PIGS!!!!!!!

_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[Verman]

LOL.
What a collection!
So The Ville is where Henny Youngman, Milton Berle, & Rodney Dangerfield hang out.

Take my bullets, please.
_________________
Your suffering will be legendary, even in hell.

[Bada Bing]

"Visiting the Nudist Colony"
A church deacon learned there was a nudist colony in his parish and decided he should visit the place to let the nudists know they'd be welcomed at the church, properly dressed.
He was advised that he could only enter if he removed his clothing to which he agreed but requested that he be allowed to retain his clerical collar, which request was granted.
After an hour or so, he noticed he was being closely and continuously observed by an attractive nudist. He approached the woman and said.
"If you're wondering about my clerical collar, I'm a deacon in the church."
To which the woman replied, "Oh, no, I was looking at your balls, I thought you were a canon!"
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[`RaphX]

A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!". The boy replies "But father... Jesus had long hair!" to which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere."

[Bada Bing]

Green Side Up

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her.
They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants.

She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the
window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"

The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She
says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The
contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window,
leans out, and yells "Green side up"!

The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next
room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor
nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window,
leans out and yells "Green side up"!

This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you
write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that
mean?" The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four Arkansans laying sod
across the street."
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[Bada Bing]

Subject: Rodney Dangerfield


The trouble with my wife is that she has a wait problem. Every time I want sex, she says, "Wait."

My wife -- we have no sex life. Her favorite position is back-to-back.

When I got divorced, that was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. Abe Lincoln said all men are created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

Weight, it's always been a problem. When I'm hungry, I don't think right. The other day, I woke up, had a craving for nuts. So, I spent the whole day with my wife and her mother.

If sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.

I'm getting old. At my age, with sex I like a threesome - in case one of us dies.

Why am I talking about sex for? I got no sex life; I'm old. I tried a Viagra pill -- my tongue got hard.

I got a dog, a cocker spaniel. He swallowed a Viagra pill -- now he's a pointer.

My wedding day, that was a beauty. I went to put the ring on, she gave me the wrong finger.

When we got married, I told my wife I like sex twice a day -- she said, "Me, too." Now we never see each other.

I found out my wife is faking orgasms -- four of my friends told me.

Last week my wife told me we were going to have Olympic sex. You know, once every 4 years.

With my wife, I gave up. The other night, I told her, "You win, you're the boss. When it comes to sex, it'll be in your hands." She said, "You're wrong, it'll be in your hands."

My wife, she can't cook at all. At my home, the roaches go out to eat.
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[`RaphX]

This guy is sitting in a bar drowning his sorrows when another guy walks in with a dog. The dog immediately sits down and starts licking it's balls. The first guy says, "Man, I wish I could do that." The dog owner says, "Go ahead, he's friendly."


So, a pirate walks into a bar. Looks like the quintessential pirate -- peg leg, hook on one hand, eye patch, the whole nine yards. In addition to all this, he's got a steering wheel hanging from the fly of his pants.
He walks up to the bar, and orders a whiskey. The bartender pours the pirate a glass, and says to him "I don't want to offend, but I thought you should know -- you've got a steering wheel attached to your fly." The pirate nods his head, and says:
"Arrrgh, I know. And it's driving me nuts."


Two cows are standing together in a field. One asks the other,
"So what do you think about this Mad Cow Diesease?"
The other replies,
"That doesn't concern me. I'm a helicopter."


The CIA, MI-6, and the KGB were all participating in the Secret Service Olympics. One of the tasks was set in Africa; each agency had to find a lion and bring it back to the base in the shortest amount of time.

The first team out were the Americans. They rushed out of the headquarters fully strapped with their high-tech tracking equipment, and they came back with a lion in an hour and a half. Next out was MI-6 - the Brits sent a team of their best men armed with the most recent intelligence, and came back with a lion in just over an hour.

Finally, the Russian team went out. An hour passed, another hour... After a full day of waiting for the KGB team, the other two teams went out to look for them. The rescue squads came upon a small shack in the jungle, which they entered. Inside the found a zebra tied to a chair, and the Russians screaming: "Admit it! We know you are a lion!"

[Bada Bing]

Subject: It All Adds Up


On the first day God created the cow.

God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span
of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let
me do it for twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog.

God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the
other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey.

God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty
year life span."

Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave
you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

Once again, God agreed.

On the fourth day God created man.

God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you
twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty,
and the forty cow gave back, the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back.
That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do
nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten
years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we
sit in front of the house and bark at everybody!
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[Bada Bing]

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.
Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not."





Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'."
"Oh, yeah?" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."



A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed.
"You're certainly a courageous woman, "he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."





A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back: "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"





A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The doctor gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either!" and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
The wife comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated doctor says "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this late? Doing what?" he asked. She replied, "Getting a second opinion."
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[Bada Bing]

Time to bring this to the top again. It is not a joke but reputedly a true story but funny any way.
This was an actual letter sent to Ryan DeVries from the Michigan Department of Environmental
Quality, State of Michigan. Wait till you read this guy's response -- but read the entire letter
before you get to the response.

Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries :

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent
unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the
legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and
maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files
shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes
and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of
1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. The
Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event,
causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all
activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and
brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than
January 31, 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may
be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the
site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would
appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely, David L. Price District Representative, InLand and Water Management Division

RESPONSE

Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; MontcalmCounty

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries
is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and
a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood
"debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise
their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building
materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place
you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work
ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior
to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I
request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps
we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, InlandLakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The
Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State
will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the
dams failedduring a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the
Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather
than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow
condition , please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them be aware that they obviously
did not pay any attention to your dam letter due to inability to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the
sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live
and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to
its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.) So, as
far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action
right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there
will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area.
It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the
defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your
step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and
being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your day office
via another government organization the dam USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.

Sincerely,



Stephen L. Tvedten
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[sgt stutter]

4 Secrets to a happy marriage


1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.


and,





























4. It is very important that these three women never meet.
_________________

click--><eVa>SuperGreg

R.I.P Trigger Happy

[sgt stutter]

A Mama Mole, a Papa Mole, and a Baby Mole all lived in a little mole hole.

One day the Papa Mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air
and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The Mama Mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says
"Yum! I smell honey!"

The Baby Mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but
can't because the bigger moles are in the way, so he says, "Geez, all I
can smell is MOLASSES!
_________________

click--><eVa>SuperGreg

R.I.P Trigger Happy

[Bada Bing]

Good one

Here is another,

Many A True Word

A Programmer is a man who knows a great deal about very little,
who goes along learning more and more about less and less,
until finally he knows everything about nothing.

A Salesman, on the other hand, is a man who knows very little
about many things and learns less and less about more and more
until he pratically knows nothing about everything.

A Field Engineer starts out knowing everything about everything
but ends up knowing nothing about everything owing to his
association with programmers and salesman.
_________________

Are you threatening me ???