[Bada Bing]

A well known cardiologist died, and an elaborate funeral was planned.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted,
he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a
gynecologist.
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[5th GHG E.G. Mine]

First you put up a list to women, then...... wonders if Bada has been ?
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http://www.chronixradio.com

[Bada Bing]

A doctor walks into a bank to cash a check after a hectic day.
Preparing to endorse the check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of
his shirt pocket and tries to write with it. He looks up at the teller,
pauses for a moment, then, realizing his mistake, he says, "Well, that's
great ... just great ... some asshole's got my pen."
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[PondScum007]

LMAO!!!
_________________

[bobins]

lol











i would never incourage spam
_________________

[Bright Red Nipples]

This one is probably more directed towards Goldom who seems to have this type of sense of humor. I laughed for days when I read it.



SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective.

I. No known species of reindeer can fly. However, there are some
300,000
species of living organisms yet to be classified. While most of these
are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying
reindeer
(which only Santa has ever seen).

II. There are approximately two billion children [persons under 18] in
the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim,
Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for
Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the
Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5
children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming
that
there is at least one good child in each.

III. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels
east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per
second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good
child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop
out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the
remaining
presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him,
get
back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will
accept
for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78
miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting
bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650
miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of
comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe,
moves
at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run
(at
best) 15 miles per hour.

IV. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two
pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting
Santa who is invariably described as overweight. On land, a
conventional
reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the
"flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't
be done with eight or even nine of them --- Santa would need 360,000 of
them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the
sleigh,
another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen
Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

V. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air
resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer
would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In
short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing
the
reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of
a
second. Santa, meanwhile, would be subjected to centrifugal forces
17,500 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by
4,315,015
pounds of force.

VI. In conclusion, if Santa ever did deliver presents to all the good
children on Christmas Eve, HE'S DEAD NOW.
_________________


God Bless You Blue Ruler

[Goldom]

[Bright Red Nipples]

you are in my Will Goldom. You might want to start saving up some money cause there will be a lot of debt to pay off when I die!!

[ROOFCUTTER]

That is why Santa delivers the presents and not humans. Damn those physical laws.

Maybe JD gave him noclip.



Hank Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying. "What's wrong?" he asks.

"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."

"WHAT?" he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and storms down to the doctor's office and through the reception area.

Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!"

The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told your wife that she has Acute Angina."

[ROOFCUTTER]

A young girl had been suffering from severe headaches and had tests run by her doctor. The doctor said, "I'm sorry miss, but you have a massive brain tumor."

The girl started crying and said to her mom, "I'm only 15 years old. I don't want to die."

The doctor said, "Well this is modern medicine. There is an experimental technique for a brain transplant, but it's expensive and not covered by insurance."

The girl's mother said, "Don't worry, dear. How much does it cost?"

The doctor replied, "Well, a male brain is $1,000,000 and the female brain is $25,000."

The mom said, "No problem. But why is the male brain more expensive then the female brain?" The doctor replied, "Because the female brain is USED!"

===========================================

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job, he demanded $150.

The neurosurgeon exclaimed, "I don't even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon."

The plumber replied, "I agree. You are right! I too, didn't either, when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing."



===========================================

Please be advised that your Optirectomy operation is scheduled for 8:00 a.m.

The purpose of this operation is to sever the cord that connects your eyes to your rectum and, hopefully, get rid of your s***ty outlook on life. It has been noted that you have been in less than perfect humor lately.

=============================================
The Un-Associated Press reported in a news bulletin today that a pregnant woman who has been in a coma for nine months following an automobile accident has given birth to twins, a baby girl and a baby boy. Awakening from her coma and learning that she had given birth to twins, she asked if names had already been given to them.

"Yes," her doctor informed her, "because we didn't know if you would ever come out of the coma, your brother Henry gave them their names."

"Oh dear God," the woman moaned, "my brother, Henry, is the family idiot. What in the world did he name them?"

"He named the baby girl Denise," answered the physician.

"Well, that's not so bad," the woman replied. "What did he name the baby boy?" The physician responded regretfully, "DeNephew."

[Bada Bing]

LOL guys here is another one
What makes life 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?


We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.



How about achieving 103%?



Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

If:



A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z



is represented as:



1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.



Then,





H A R D W O R K



8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%







K N O W L E D G E



11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%





But,





A T T I T U D E



1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%







And,







B U L L S H I T

2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%



So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge



will get you close, attitude will get you there, but



bullshit will put you over the top.



And look how far this will take you......







A S S K I S S I N G



1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%







Think about it... and have a nice day at work...
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[BitterBeerFace]

How much will GOING NUTS AT WORK WITH AN M16 PUMPING ROUND AFTER ROUND INTO COWORKERS AND BOSSES get me?

hehehe, it's a good thing that I'm a BULLSHIT expert, that makes up for my lack of ATTITUDE, KNOWLEDGE, and HARDWORK

[John Doe]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes
and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband
that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a
couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task
at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 to the distinctive smell of paint. He
walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of
sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same
time.

He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is
doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that
she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said...


(scroll down) I love this one...
















FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS
_________________

[John Doe]

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy break?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.
_________________

[(+)ASSASSIN(+)]