[Enrico]

DL the song "The Woman Song" by "The True Men"

Its accapella, but very funny.

Your best bet is kazaa or audiogalaxy.

[FingerDemon]

OK,

I have been reading but not contributing to this thread. You guys have posted some very funny stuff. I think I might like the one liner about the cannibals eating a clown best of all so far, but that's just me.

So here's one:

A bartender is tending bar and there is an old drunk getting wasted in the bar. As the night wears on, the bar empties out and only the drunk passed out on his stool remains at closing time.

"C'mon buddy, Closing Time! Time to GO!" the bartender tells him.

"allright okay" the drunk says sloppily staggering around.

The bartender tries to walk him to the door and the drunk sees a dartboard on the wall by the corner. He stops walking and shouts "Hey! what's that?"

"Its a dartboard. So what. Let's go." the bartender replies.

"Let me throw a dart! C'mon let me throw one! Let me throw one!" the drunk starts yelling cheerfully.

"For crying out loud, if I let you throw a dart will you go home then?"

"Yeah yeah. No problem" the drunk says.

So the bartender grabs a dart from behind the bar and gives it to the drunk and then moves to a safe position while the drunk throws it.
The throw is wild but the dart sails across the room and hits directly in the bullseye.

"YYAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!! Yipee! for me" the drunk cries, "What do I win? What is my present?"

"Present?!?!" the bartender cries, "You don't get a present."

"C'mon I got the bullseye fair and square..." the drunk yells.

The bartender has found a turtle on his way to work that morning that he had kept in a back room intending to give it to his son later as a pet. Having nothing else to offer the drunk he gets the turtle and gives it to him.

"There you win a turtle. Are you happy? Will you go home now?"

"Yeah yeah, thank you thank you this is great." the drunk stumbles off happy.

The next night the same drunk comes in and gets wasted again. At closing time the whole situation is repeating itself.

"Let me throw another dart." the drunk demands as he is being shown out.

"Will you promise to leave then?" the bartender asks.

"Yeah yeah" the drunk promises.

So the bartender gets a dart and gives it to the drunk and stands back. The drunk throws and the dart bounces off a lamp and hits again right in the bullseye.

"YYAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!! Yipee! for me" the drunk cries, "What do I win? What is my present?"

"Oh for crying out loud!" the bartender says. "I don't know what did I give you the last time?"

"Roast beef on a hard roll."



<TVB>FingerDemon-VS

[Bada Bing]

Subject: amazing golf thing


A MATH TEST FOR ALL GOLFERS. DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
The test takes less than a minute, even for folks that went to school in West Virginia, Oklahoma, Mississippi and Vermont! Work it out as you read. Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out. This is not one of those waste of time things like skiing on ice and rocks in March in New England. It's really fun, like golf.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to play golf. (try for more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50. We'll wait while all non-CPAs get their calculator out.

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1752. If you haven't, add 1751.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. You should have a three digit number. The first digit of this was your original number; (i.e., how many times you want to play golf each week).





The next two numbers are ...........YOUR AGE! (Oh yes, it is!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR IN OUR LIFETIME THAT THIS WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[(+)ASSASSIN(+)]

[CyC0Dad]

******WARNING SPOILER AHEAD *******

Don't mean to spoil it, but the mathematician in me can't help itself

[Ameanman]

Hehe, someone just killed the magic j/k

[John Doe]

A goodun!


A redneck farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling - what should I do?''

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."

The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.

"Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing."
_________________

[Bada Bing]

The Truck Driver

There was once a truck driver who really hated lawyers. When driving in his
truck, he would try to run over any lawyer that he saw crossing the street.

So one day, the truck driver is driving along a deserted stretch of highway
when he sees a man on the side of the road, hitchhiking. As the truck driver
gets closer, he sees that the hitchhiker is a priest, in full ceremonial
clothing. The truck driver then pulls over and offers the priest a ride. The
priest thanks him, explaining that his car broke down, and that he was now
late for the Sunday service. The truck driver asks for the directions to the
priest's church, and having gotten them, he pulls back onto the road.

The truck driver has almost arrived at the church when he sees a lawyer,
about to cross the road. He floors the gas pedal, and races toward the
lawyer, ready to run him over. But suddenly, he remembers that there is a
priest with him, and that it would not be a good thing to run over someone
with the priest in the truck. At the last minute, he gives the steering
wheel a jerk and swerves out of the way. But, just as he does so, he hears a
large THUMP.

"I...I'm sorry, Father..." he stammers to the priest.

"Oh, that's alright," says the priest to the truck driver. "I got him with
the door."
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[hoaxie]

Oh JD!!! That's a h00t!
_________________

LONG LIVE THE 'VILLE!

[Bada Bing]

Bring this back to the Top:

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes, " delete
it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is
pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on
your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on
disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking
on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any
CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone
auto dial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will
mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when
you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with
Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.

If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98
environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and
leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close
to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the
forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it
will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20
seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will
spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending
sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send
to everyone.





...if you are a blonde, this is a joke...
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[Bada Bing]

orry one more

A man entered the bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[CyC0Dad]

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow
managed to hit his
ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty
yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up
thrashing just about
every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . .POOF! In a flash and puff of
smoke, a little old
woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you
know how long it
took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you
won't have any
butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better
still; you won't
have any butter for your toast for the rest of your
life..... as a
matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything
the rest of
your life!"

THEN POOF!....she was gone.

After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered for his
friend, Fred
"Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."

Dave yells back......
"DON'T SWING, FRED!!! For God's sake, DON'T SWING!!"

[Whybkuul]

Bringin it back to the top...

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said:

'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my
house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly:

"I think the man would have said: "Well, f*** me ! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
_________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" -Ben Franklin

[Bada Bing]

Warning.... BAD PUN AHEAD!

The Rabbit

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump
out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid
hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front
of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an
animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has
become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A
beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls
over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's
wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this
rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and
pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and
sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves
again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and
waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats
this again and again and again, until he hops out of
sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and
demands, "What is in that can?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read
the label. It says:

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)

(You know you could just click off and not read the
punch line)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

.... It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair,
adds a permanent wave."
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[FingerDemon]

Whew, that was a bad pun. But that's okay I love those.

This next comment isn't a joke exactly, but it was so unbelievable that I had to bring it up. The Recording industry has gotten so paranoid about profit losses to file sharing like Napster and Morpheus that they are starting to use cost cutting measures from other industries throughout the music world. Taking a tip from the mergers and acquisitions that banks have been doing, Sony recently announced that they would be merging certain music groups as well as corporate entities! Singers Johnathon Davis and widow of Kurt Cobain, Courtney Love were dismayed that against their choice their bands would be merged for all future recordings and concerts. Expect a new release from KornHole any day now.


Ok, it was actually a joke.

<TVB>FingerDemon-VS