Darth Vader's post-Yavin report.

Greebo · Posted: Wed May 22, 2002 10:08 am Post subject: Darth Vader's post-Yavin report.

Found this on the TFC Map Complex site

Vader: What is thy bidding, my master?
Emperor: Report.
V: I need...um, more men.
E: More men? I felt a disturbance in the Force, as if thousands of voices cried out in terror and then were suddently silenced. I was assuming it was the hidden rebel base...
V: Hmm. Well, yes and no, my master.
E: What then?
V: The rebels...got away.
E: ALL OF THEM!?
V: Well, in a way, yes.
E: Oh, for hell's sake, Vader. I'm coming out there right away. We'll discuss this futher in the Death Star.
V: *cringing* Eeeeh, see, that's the thing...
E: What?
V: There are some...problems with the new Death Star.
E: I hope they're not too serious, I put a lot of money into that machine, you know.
V: Yes... Master, erm, could you define "too serious"?
E: Oh, just get to the point, Vader. It's the size of a small moon, what could have gone wrong? Vader?
V: My master, we were attacked by the rebel ships. There were a lot of them.
E: What are you saying?
V: They had technical read-outs, my master.
E: What happened to my Death Star!?
V: Master, the Death Star has been... disabled.
E: You incompetent fool! How long to have it running again?
V: Did I mention they had technical read-outs, master? Full, devastatingly complete technical read-outs?
E: Vader, I'm sensing that I'm going to have to slap you. Now out with it, or I'll take the batteries out of your intestinal tract again.
V: Master, the Death Star was blown up by the rebel ships.
E: Imbecile!! The most magnificent instrument of destruction in the history of...well, in all history, and you let it be blown up by rebels!? How many rebel ships are we talking about here!?
V: Um...an entire armada?
E: How many is that?
V: Well, you know, it varies with regional commanders...there's 4 - 6 ships in a wing, and they had a Gold Leader, Red Leader, Blue Leader...
E: HOW MANY??
V: ...twenty-five. Give or take.
E: I'LL EAT YOU ALIVE FOR THIS!
V: I got distracted, my master! One of them screamed "Yahoo!" right into the com-link, and then my wingman swerved and--
E: *sniveling* My wingman swerved and someone screamed in the com-link -- BAH! Next you'll be telling me that Yoda pushed you down at school! Put Grand Moff Tarkin on the line!
V: See, that's...the other thing.
E: Don't you dare tell me that Tarkin was on the Death Star when it blew...
V: He was getting old, master, you know he wasn't getting around like he used--
E: Ah Dammit! He was my best Moff! You know how hard it is to find good Moffs these days!? You think I can just walk out to the Moff tree and get another one!? Who else was on the Death Star!?
V: ...everyone but me...
E: 250,000 Stormtroopers, 50 squadrons of fighter craft, a legion of support personnel and an entire generation of elite military leadership, LOST! Pinching off the windpipes of your commanders is one thing, but this!! I'll bust you down to 3P0 unit for this! You'll be emptying oil-pans on R2 units till you rust!
V: Begging the master's pardon, but don't you have to promote me, in light of the fact that most of the rest of the Empire has been blown away?
E: Insolent worm! What are you talking about!?
V: I'm all you've got left, my master. You have to promote me.
E: Obi H. Kenobi! You're right...damn your sickly pale hide, you're right...
V: Master, I have it all planned out. We'll build a new Death Star, bigger and better, with a bi-i-i-i-ig shield all around it. Oh, and can I get a personal Star Destroyer to find the rebels? A big one? All to myself?
E: Pff, with my luck you'll probably drive it into the new Death Star...
V: Oh, and master?
E: What is it?
V: Can you come pick me up?
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bobins · Posted: Wed May 22, 2002 10:24 am Post subject:

lol

nice post

u whatched ep ll yet -- its f**king great -- a brill film and never take the piss out of yoda -- he amazzzing

Greebo · Posted: Wed May 22, 2002 10:27 am Post subject:

Nope, nor do I have any intention of watching it.
Least not in the cinema
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[njk]Nopeace4u-DBD · Posted: Wed May 22, 2002 10:31 am Post subject:

Yoda is the shit, the whole theater jumped up & started screaming & yelling when he did what he did, it was like yankee stadium during the world series....lol
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bobins · Posted: Wed May 22, 2002 10:38 am Post subject:

i dont think yoda is sh*t but that did p*ss me off cos the cinema i watched it in done it too -- as soon as he spread his arms out everyone started laughing and didn't stop untill the sceen was over -- ruined that bit if u ask me

o greebo -- u should go n c it -- even if your not a star wars fan -- trust me its good -- a bit long cos then had to put the love stuff in to link it to the other films but if u ask me it was brill

Greebo · Posted: Wed May 22, 2002 11:38 am Post subject:

I liked the original 3 movies - it's the new ones that are shit.
Ep1 sucked big time - didn't see that in cinema either.
Ep2 is apparently all special effects which a horrible script, not wasting my money on that
Will probably download it or something
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BitterBeerFace · Posted: Wed May 22, 2002 11:45 am Post subject:

LOL "the love stuff"!!!! Yeah, "the love stuff" is necessary to drive the storyline... if all goes well, ep III is going to be some major form of kick ass!

Greebo, that is a great "report"... gonna have to copy that and keep it in my "archives"

PondScum007 · Posted: Wed May 22, 2002 4:50 pm Post subject:

check these starwars fanfilms...there are some pretty good ones...that dialouge kinda remids me of the gangsta rap movie...silly empire... ;>

[url]starwars.atomfilms.com[/url]
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bobins · Posted: Wed May 22, 2002 6:32 pm Post subject:

as long as u whatch it one way or another greebo-- u shouldn't judge it be ep l cos in my opinion its a lot better -- and yes u r sort of correct in saying mostly special effects but i liked it

Brujah · Posted: Wed May 22, 2002 7:46 pm Post subject:

Greebo · Posted: Wed May 22, 2002 8:42 pm Post subject:

Reasons for EP1 sucking?

Was all special effects, nothing more.

Jar-Jar was shite and extremely irritating.
The pod race wasn't particularly relevant - just something to keep the action fans/fans amazed on effects alone happy.
Anakin was just annoying.

About the only good thing in it were the light sabre duels.
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Twisted29 · Posted: Thu May 23, 2002 12:32 pm Post subject:

Greebo, for whats its worth, Episode 2 wasn't as blatant about its special effects. Sure, the movie is full of effects, but its blended into the story line a lot better this time. They didnt go out of their way to make it over-the-top.

I thought the story was pretty good too. The dialogue was a tad chessy at times though. Basically, this movie is just a big set up for the last episode...a lot of critics thought it was slow. But I dont see how it could have been anything else.