[Powerdroid]

[OpTlk]

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."


Ouch!
_________________

http://www.myspace.com/pvallone

[fat ass]

my wife runs after the garbage truck with a black bag yelling, "am i too late?"
i screamed, "no honey, jump right in!"
----------------------
every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!
----------------------
don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper
----------------------
i take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
----------------------
we always hold hands, if i let go, she shops.

i have a whole bunch of these bad once... hehe, bachelor's thing!
_________________
FAIR GAME is everything!!

[Bada Bing]

Out Drinking Again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said
that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on
his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he would
crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up. Once
outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.

So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he
stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his
bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This
time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the
bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN OUT DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What
makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Bonus Joke: Water To Wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have
you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[SpeCies]

SAM'S COWBOY BOOTS

An elderly Florida couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in Las Vegas.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one
day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.

He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different
about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Sam says excitedly. "Come on Bessie, take a
good look.
Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into
the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little
louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today,
it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S
HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."





_________________
http://www.nosmacktards.com

[hoaxie]

ROFLMAO... good ones Bada and Species... keep 'em coming.

[Bada Bing]

 
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through
the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money
his parents gave him.
  
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea.
  He calls his father.
 "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern
education are coming up with!  Why, they actually have a program
here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
  
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get
him in that program?"
  
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says,
"I'll get him into the course."
  
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.  About
2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. 
The boy calls his father again.
  
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says,
"but you just won't believe this - they've had such
good results with
this program, that they've implemented a new one to
teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding!  What do I
have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
 ...And his father sends the money.  
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem.
When he gets home, hisfather will find out that the
dog can neither talk nor read.  So he shoots
the dog.  When he gets home, his father is all
excited.
"Where's Fido?  I just can't wait to hear him talk
and listen to him read something!"
  
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.  This
morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in
the living room kicking back in the recliner,
reading the morning paper, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked,
'So, is your daddy still messin' around with
that little redhead who
lives on Oak Street?' "
  
The father says,
"Oh, shit; I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a
bitch!"
  
"I sure did, Dad!"
  
"That's my boy!"
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[SpeCies]

http://atomfilms.shockwave.com/af/content/al_qaeda
_________________
http://www.nosmacktards.com

[Bada Bing]

Subject: Golf Quotes


It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are
still rolling."
-Mark Twain

"One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a
bowling ball."
 -Don Carter, pro bowler

"I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart."
 -Buddy Hackett

"I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators."
-Gerald Ford

"Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into a swamp.  I
went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of
a little golfer on it."
 -Buddy Hackett

 "Golf's three ugliest words: still your shot."
 -Dave Marr

"It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball.  I did it
in one afternoon on the golf course."
 -Hank Aaron

"The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him
laughing."
 -Phyllis Diller

"I'm very lucky. If it wasn't for golf I don't know what I'd be doing.  If my
IQ had been two points lower, I'd have been a plant somewhere."
 -Lee Trevino

"Golf has more rules than any other game, because golf has more cheaters than
any other game.
 -Bruce Lansky

"On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other
20 percent lied."
 -Bruce Lansky

"I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It is called an
eraser."
-Arnold Palmer

"Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller
hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose."
 -Winston Churchill

 "Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by
the occasional miracle."
 -Anonymous

 "Tee your ball high...air offers less resistance than dirt."
 -Jack Nicklaus

"Why is it that when you tell yourself, 'don't hit it in the water' your body
only seems to hear the word 'water'?"
-Anonymous

"The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your ame...and hey
say golf is a quiet game."
-Anonymous

"Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it andshank
it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and,
for no reason at all, you really stink."
-Bob Hope

 "Only a stupid golfer throws his club behind him. The smart golfer throws
his club ahead so he can pick it up on the way to the next hole.
-Corollary
 
"clubs don't float."
 -Anonymous

 "He who has the fastest golf cart never has a bad lie."
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[Whybkuul]

What, no jokes? come on ladies
_________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" -Ben Franklin

[BitterBeerFace]

***WARNING***

Horribly tasteless joke ahead:



Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Pepper Spray will do that ya...



Ok, and now that I've probably offended most of ya, another joke to make up for it:
So a German, a Russian, and an American get stranded on an island with a tribe of starving natives. The native chief tells them that they are going to be killed, and then the tribe will inflate their skins to make a raft to float to a new island where they can find more food. Naturally, the three of them are upset, but the chief says they'll make up for it by giving them one last night of anything they want.

After thinking about it for a while, the German says "Ok, if I'm gonna die, on my last night, I might as well have a beautiful young girl and some beer..." So the chief calls out, and a beautiful young girl carrying some beer joins the German in a private hut...

The Russian likes that idea, and requests a girl and some Vodka, and he heads off to a private hut as well...

Now, this leaves the American. With a sly grin on his face, the American asks for a fork. The chief asks him if he's sure all he wants is a fork... "Yep, a fork" answers the American.

So the chief gives the American a fork, and then the American immediately starts stabbing himself all over his body with the fork and yells "F*ck your raft!"

[`RaphX]

Have you heard the story about the Irish bloke who buys a £20 Rolex?
Sitting in front of the TV later that night, the Six O'Clock News starts on BBC1 and he glances at his new watch.
Sure enough, it tells him the time is exactly... quarter past eleven.
Quick as a flash, he smacks his son on the head and says: "What have I told you about f****** about with the telly?"

[Snaggletooth]

So this Rabbai is dreaming and he finds himself in the land of milk and honey. As he is walking he comes upon some midgits kicking this strange creature. He figures, "Hey, it's a dream...go with it."

So he continues walking on the path and he comes across some teddy bears kicking another one of those creatures, and he begins to wonder, "what did I eat?"

As the Rabbai comes up to a large troll kicking another of those small creatures....he asks the troll why he's beating up on that thing.

The troll replies, "Silly Rabbai, Kicks are for Trids."

[`RaphX]

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand
up?" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one
freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"
enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see
you standing up there all by yourself."

[`RaphX]

Hmmm - with all the recent activity going on, this thread has been pushed downwards a little. So here goes...

Two lions walking down Wall Street. One says to the other: "I thought you said this was a busy street."

A big hole has appeared in The Times Square and no one knows how it got there. The police say they are looking into it.

A penguin goes into a bar and asks the bartender: "Has my dad been in today?" The bartender says: "I don't know. What does he look like?"