Post your jokes

Whybkuul · Posted: Wed Apr 17, 2002 1:02 pm Post subject:

And they better not be one-liners. No dumb blonde jokes. I SAID GOOD DAMNIT!

Insurance Claim:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured scull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above - I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope!

Snaggletooth · Guest

A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and asks the farmer,

'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'

Man: 'So what happened that is so horrible?'

Farmer: 'Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over'

Man: 'That's not so bad, what's the big deal?'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'

Man: 'So then what happened?'

Farmer: 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.'

Man: 'Again? So what did you do then?'

Farmer: 'I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. '

Man: 'And then what.'

Farmer: 'I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'

Man: 'Wow, you must have been pretty upset.'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'

Man: 'So then what did you do?'

Farmer: 'Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.'

hoaxie · Posted: Wed Apr 17, 2002 1:36 pm Post subject:

SNAGGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whybkuul · Posted: Wed Apr 17, 2002 2:00 pm Post subject:

I'm sorry hoax-if you didn't realize, this is a JOKE thread! So shove off hos0r.

Enrico · Registered User Joined: 06 Jan 2002 Posts: 137

One day, an angel walks into a bar and sits down. Then an Englishman walks in. The man sits down and asks the bartender, "Is that an angel down there?". The bartender nods, so the englishman sends him down a spot of tea. The angel waved and nodded a thanks. Next an Irishman walks in, quickly spots the angel, and queries the bartender. Amazed, the Scotsman says "An angel? Aye, send the laddie a stiff bourbon for me!". Then the angel nods a silent thanks. Next, a Killak walks in. After he sits down he tells the bartender "WAARRG!! GIT THE ANGUL A NICE HEWMUN LIKUID!!!." So the bartender sends him down a cold beer. For a third time, the angel acknowledges his admirers.

Later, as the angel was about to leave. He comes over to the englishman and says, "Thank, you good man." and touches him on the shoulder. The Englishman jumps up and exclaims "My goodness! My back has been hurting for years but you cured it! Thank you!" The man then does a back flip and runs out of the bar. Meanwhile, the angle walked to the Scot and touches his shoulder while saying, "Thank you for the bourbon." The Scotsman excitedly jumps up and yells, "Ahh laddie! My legs been hurtin me for years, but it hurts no more!" So the man dances a jig and runs out of the bar. Then the angel walks down to the Killak and as he is about to touch him, the Killak jumps up and exclaims, "PUNY HEWMAN NO TOUCH KILLAK! ME IS ON DISABILLITY!!!"

(As you may have guessed, the original joke had no killaks, only Texans)

[ This Message was edited by: Juxtaposition on 2002-04-17 15:30 ]

Bada Bing · Posted: Wed Apr 17, 2002 3:24 pm Post subject:

Subject: Ding and Dong

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother
and comfort her. When she ask how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny."Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells
would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too
strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

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Violent Pacifist · Posted: Wed Apr 17, 2002 3:31 pm Post subject:

Lol Bada, I've heard that joke except it's slightly different. And the way my friend told it, ends with the grandmother saying "And he would still be with us today if that damn ice cream truck hadn't come along!"

Bada Bing · Posted: Thu Apr 18, 2002 9:04 am Post subject:

"Some Things You Just Can't Explain"
A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and asks the farmer,
'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'
Man: 'So what happened that is so horrible?'
Farmer: 'Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over'
Man: 'That's not so bad, what's the big deal?'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain. '
Man: 'So then what happened?'
Farmer: 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. '
Man: 'Again? So what did you do then?'
Farmer: 'I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. '
Man: 'And then what.'
Farmer: 'I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'
Man: 'Wow, you must have been pretty upset.'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'
Man: 'So then what did you do?'
Farmer: 'Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.'

_________________

Are you threatening me ???

hoaxie · Posted: Thu Apr 18, 2002 9:08 am Post subject:

Wasn't that one told already?

hoaxie · Posted: Thu Apr 18, 2002 9:17 am Post subject:

Okay... my favorite joke in the world...

It is the first day of school. This teacher has never taught before. She tries to come up with a good game for the kindergarteners she will be meeting for the first time.

She gets all the children to sit in a semi-circle on the floor and asks them to close their eyes. She gives each one a Life Saver. She tells them to put them in their mouths.

*Okay,* she says, *raise your hand if you can tell me what flavor that Life Saver is.*

Little Sally raises her hand.

Teacher says *yes, Sally.*

Sally replies, *cherry.*

*Very good, Sally.*

The teacher gives them another Life Saver and this time little Tommy raises his hand.

*Yes, Tommy.*

Tommy responds, *it is orange.*

*Very good, Tommy.*

This continues for a bit until they come to the last Life Saver. It is honey flavored.

All the children are sucking and sucking and are completely baffled. So, the teacher says, *I will give you a hint. This is something your mommy calls your daddy.*

Little Johnny screams... *EEEWWW, spit it out!! It's an asshole!!!*

Greebo · Posted: Thu Apr 18, 2002 10:58 am Post subject:

Hehehehe quite a lot of mine went up in a hijacked thread on the PWG forums:
http://www.pimpswithgrenades.com/forums/YaBB.pl?board=general_pub;action=display;num=1018414403;start=0

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Bada Bing · Posted: Thu Apr 18, 2002 11:46 am Post subject:

Sorry I cut and pasted the wrong one:

Subject: Love Dress

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married
couple's house.

She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house.
She saw here daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing? " she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work. " the
daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked! " the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked! "
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it
makes me happy. I would appreciate if you would leave because he
will be home from work any minute. "

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.
On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home
she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the
front door.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked
by the door.

"What in the world are you doing? " he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing! What's for supper? "

_________________

Are you threatening me ???

hoaxie · Posted: Thu Apr 18, 2002 11:53 am Post subject:

Now that was funny!!

Pornstar · Posted: Thu Apr 18, 2002 12:37 pm Post subject:

How come men do not talk to women after sex.

Because their mommys told them to never talk to strangers.

BitterBeerFace · Posted: Thu Apr 18, 2002 2:38 pm Post subject:

This is bad, almost all of my jokes I learned in bowling leagues... mostly too dirty to tell in a forum like this...

So there is this guy who's on a company vacation... a cruise... He worked
for a tech company and spent most of his life in an office working on a
computer... had no life other than that, so he thought he should go on the
trip... the ship sinks, but the guy finds his way onto an island. He rigs
up a lean-to and lives off of coconuts and berries for a few weeks... and
also works on making a raft. Once his raft is done, he floats out and
paddles over to another island, thinking there will be more berries and
stuff over there. As he gets around the side of the island, he is met by
a stunningly beautiful woman in a hand-made sail boat. She sees him and
sails over to the his make-shift raft... she asks if he was on the cruise
ship that sank, and invites him to join her, since she was on the same
ship. He gladly agrees, and asks where she got the boat... she explains
"I made this out of bamboo and palm fronds... I found some stones with
iron in them, smelted them and made some tools so I could cut the bamboo..."
The guy is very impressed. They continue sailing around the island, and
come into a cove with a blue and white beach cabana... the woman explains
that she built the cabana the same way... after they get ashore, the woman
tells the guy to go upstairs and take a shower, shave, and get all cleaned
up... he doesn't even want to ask how she has a shower, razor, etc, so he
goes upstairs and gets all cleaned up... hot and cold running water,
the works. He comes back downstairs and finds the woman wearing a couple
coconuts for a top, and a little leaf for the bottom... he gulps as she
comes over to him... "We've both been out here a long time... missing
something that men and women both need very badly... " as she moves him
to the couch and starts taking his shirt off... she continues: "now let's
fulfill those needs..." to which the man replies "don't tell me you've
rigged up an internet connection too!?"