[ROOFCUTTER]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, Leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you.

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen.

But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
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Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[Stevo]

Uh oh...
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The Official TVR Website
Fopp
Song of the Week

[Kahlan Amnell]

read it before, still good
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http://ctprofiles.net/799963

[DukeNukem]

The version I heard goes something like this:

A burglar breaks into a house and is stealthily making his way through the house when he hears a high pitched voice say:

"Jesus is watching you."

The thiefs nearly dies of a heart attack, and the voice comes again:

"Jesus is watching you."

He lets a little sliver of light from his flashlight shine into the room and slowly looks around until it falls on a large bird cage suspended in the corner with a parrot sitting on its perch:

"Jesus is watching you."

"Wheeew" he exclaims in relief, "its only a parrot" and uncovers the flashlight completely. As the light floods the corner he sees the biggest ugliest bulldog he has ever seen in his life lying under the cage and the parrot says:

"Sic'em Jesus!"


--- I know, it is a bit sacreligious, but I think it is too funny.
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=US-])uke]\[ukem-V=
I STINK, therefore I SPAM! [doctored Descartes]

[CLOWNCUTTER]

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shat!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
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[Caveman]

Good stuff.
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[Gorgeous Jaques Dawkins]

YAR! clowny, parrot poop be a classic joke on me ship `specially since me first mate had t' same ting happen to him.
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[Black Esmeralda]

Shiver me timbers! That thar be a good story for warning the wee ones
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Yarrrr!