Guinness

shockwave · Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 6:15 pm Post subject: Guinness

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya.'

'Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'

'That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.'

'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me...'

'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.'

Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'

'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.'

'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?'

'Well, no Brenda, no.'

'No?'

'Fact is, he got out three times to pee.'
_________________

shockwave · Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 6:19 pm Post subject:

On their way to the church to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.

St. Peter says, 'I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked.
'Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

'What if it doesn't work out?' they wonder, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'

'Great,' says the couple, 'but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!

'What's wrong?' exclaim the frightened couple.

'Come on!' St. Peter exclaims, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?'
_________________

Potato-VS- · Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 6:48 pm Post subject:

the second one is good!

Stevo · Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 8:57 pm Post subject:

_________________

The Official TVR Website
Fopp
Song of the Week

[HALO]MasterChief · Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 8:38 am Post subject:

haha good ones

_________________

shockwave · Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 9:11 am Post subject:

12 Shots

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."
_________________

ROOFCUTTER · Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 9:45 am Post subject:

One fine day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!"
_________________
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

ROOFCUTTER · Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 9:57 am Post subject:

There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.

The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.

I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ."
_________________
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

OpTlk · Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 9:52 pm Post subject:

The Best Beer

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."

He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
_________________

http://www.myspace.com/pvallone