[cobra]

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "Really? What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag." :twisted:

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The wife is busy frying eggs, when her husband comes home.... He walks into the kitchen and immediately starts yelling: "CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"

The wife is very upset:

"What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"

The husband calmly replies: "This is to show you what it feels like, when I am driving and you sit next to me..."

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Amazing facts!!

1) Coca-Cola was originally green.

2) The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

3) The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.

4) The strongest muscle in the body is the jaws muscle.

5) TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

6) Women blink nearly twice as much as men!!

7) You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

8 ) It is impossible to lick your elbow.

9) People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.

10) It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

11) The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

12) If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

13) Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.

I) Spades - King David .. II) Clubs - Alexander the Great ..

III) Hearts - Charlemagne... IV) Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

14) 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

15) If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front >leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

16) What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? Ans. - All invented by women.

17) Question: This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this? Answer: Honey

18 ) A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

19) A snail can sleep for three years.

20) All polar bears are left handed.

21) American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

22) Butterflies taste with their feet.

23) Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

24) In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

25) On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

26) Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.

27) Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

28 ) The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

29) The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

30) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

31) Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

32) Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

33) The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

34) Most lipstick contains fish scales.

35) Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

36) And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow !!!!!


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TWO-MINUTES MANAGMENT COURSE

Lesson One

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit
saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson -

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.


Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of
the tree.

Management Lesson -

Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy,
and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson -

1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut !!!

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Here are 3 funny phone answering machine messages:

1. Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.


2. Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.


3. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

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Chitchat in heaven

Two women are in heaven: One woman says to another, "how did you die?"

"I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful" says the first woman.



"How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."

"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second woman. "I had a heart attack," says the first woman. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I get there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second woman shakes her head. "What a pity .. if you had only looked in the! freezer, we'd both still be alive!!! "

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Men vs. Women in out of home coverups

Women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the very next morning, that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night. So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.

Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and the other 5 are claiming that he is still with them.

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NO COMMENT ABOUT EGYPTIANS WAY IN DEALING WITH THINGS......

NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars.

The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy will never return to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an American engineer: how much he wanted to be paid for going?

"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my Alma mater-Rice University."

The next applicant was a Russian doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was an Egyptian one. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear: "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The Egyptian guy replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the American engineer."

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Manufacturing contest

A major manufacturing contest was held and their were three participants; an American, Japanese and Egyptian company.

The American company started by saying: "we have the most advanced technology" then they splinted a man's hair into 20 pieces.

The Japanese took one part of the 20 parts of the man's hair splinted by the Americans and made a hole in it and they said: "advanced technology my ass... we invented the advanced technology and we are still the gods of technology!"

The Egyptians said nothing... they just took the ported hair of the Japanese, put it in a box and sticked a label that says: Made In Egypt

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Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local
neighborhood bar in North Carolina. Late in the evening, the officer
noticed
a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the
officer quietly watching. After what seemed an eternity and trying his
keys
on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he
fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons
left
the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was
a
dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and
then
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,
reversed
a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more
patrons
left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and
started
to drive slowly down the street.


The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now
started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over
and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded,
the
officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."


"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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PROUD TO BE A MEMBER OF =US-V= & VILLE $UPPORTER

[Easy Target]

In my next vacation, I will read this thread...
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[Royce]

OH MAN!

I read the facts part.

the 111,111,111x111,111,111 part boggles my mind.

good stuff though.

and.... I am not ashamed to say it, I really did try to lick my elbow.
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[Mike]

actaully on #9 it was thought that the devil could enther your body when u sneeze.
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R.I.P. Blue

[Stevo]

Wow lots of good stuff.
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The Official TVR Website
Fopp
Song of the Week

[Lt. Black]

Jokes, you say? Canadian pride.
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[JtH]

yea i tried to lick my elbow.

but the thing about the horses feet is totally untrue, i saw a thing on the history channel about myths and that was one of them.

it turned out that it just was the designers preferance to pose them like that. it has nothing to do with how they died.
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[crackhead_fred]

nice. i tried to lick my elbow also . and i suppress my sneezes a lot, but after reading that i don't think i will anymore. cobra you could have very much saved my life!

[Caveman]

[Clay Pigeon]

They swing with their left when they maul people/objects?

[KillerRoofcutter]

Ya you know how they like stick there right hand out for balance and then strike down really hard with their left? I think that is what they are talking about.
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PICKACHU GOT OWNED!

[JtH]

the way i see it,

i dont ever wanna know what hand a polar bear mauls people with.
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