A new joke thread!

Spotty · Posted: Sat Jul 10, 2004 2:59 pm Post subject: lol

lol roofcutter that was funny. ive heard variations of that b4 but this one is prettyy good
_________________

Stevo · Posted: Sat Jul 10, 2004 3:50 pm Post subject:

What a mess. It's Raph, not ralph BTW.

_________________

The Official TVR Website
Fopp
Song of the Week

`RaphX · Registered User Joined: 24 Mar 2002 Posts: 1556

ROOFCUTTER · Posted: Mon Jul 26, 2004 6:37 am Post subject:

The Hypnotist

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage
hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Sh*t" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
_________________
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

PilzberryFroBoy · Posted: Mon Jul 26, 2004 8:58 am Post subject:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He gently takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

ROOFCUTTER · Posted: Tue Jul 27, 2004 11:03 pm Post subject:

HOW TO CLEAN A TOILET

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add the required amount of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close
both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the
noises that come from the toilet; the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power wash and a power rinse.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside. Be sure that there
are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly open
both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out and run outside where he will dry
himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean!!

As always, here to give you the very best tested advice for difficult jobs.

Sincerely,
The Dog
_________________
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[HALO]Pvt_Jenkins · Posted: Tue Jul 27, 2004 11:14 pm Post subject:

ok here's one...not real polished but here goes....

A guy and his buddy decide they're gonna fly a plane...they don't really know know how but they figure--what the heck, give it a shot.

So they manage to take off and fly fairly smoothly, and they're pretty confident about what seems to be their natural born skills of flying an airplane.

Time comes for them to land, but no sooner do they touchdown, they crash into the woods nearby...."gosh darnnit" the pilot says..."wasn't my fault, I'm a good pilot, you saw...it's just this runway, look how short the darn thing is." The co-pilot feels much the same way saying "yeah, I don't know who the heck designed this thing...they made the runway so short....but look how wide it is.

haha that one cracks me up

_________________

WHAMMY!