[John Doe]

OK peeps, post your jokes and try to keep them clean.





I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car
windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air.
She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to
impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to
the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying
emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a
blonde, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you
just put it in park?"
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[John Doe]

NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars.

The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way
trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted
to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I
want to donate it all to my alma mater - University of Florida."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same
question. "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million
to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical
research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he
whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million,
I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer!"
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[John Doe]

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the bonnet. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not. Cya!"
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[John Doe]

A guy goes with his girl to a motel and is surprised to see his best friend's car outside one of the rooms. He thinks to himself, It's noon, I thought he was at work…

So he decides to play a joke on him and takes one of the hubcaps from his car.

That same night, he goes to his friend's house, knocks on the door and tells his friend, "Hey, look what I found!!"

His friend replies, "Hey that's my hubcap, were did you get it from?"

The guy lowers his voice and says, "Don't play dumb with me, I saw your car outside the motel at noon today!"

His friend stands there quietly for a moment, goes back into the house, goes to the kitchen, and tells his wife, "Look honey, I found the hubcap you lost at the supermarket today!"
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[Stevo]

Look everyone, JD's trying to be funny!
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The Official TVR Website
Fopp
Song of the Week

[John Doe]

[Stevo]

[Bright Red Nipples]

A passer-by noticed an old lady sitting on her front step:

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for such a long, happy life?"

"I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day", she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop a huge number of pills and do no exercise at all."

"This is absolutely amazing at your age!!!!", says the passerby. "How old are you?"

"Twenty four"


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God Bless You Blue Ruler

[Stevo]

Lol now BRN is trying to be funny.
_________________

The Official TVR Website
Fopp
Song of the Week

[Grunty]

Bush-Cheney '04 One Dick and one Bush, just the way God intended it.

[ROOFCUTTER]

It figures....The canadian hockey team drowned....in spring training!
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Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[`RaphX]

Two women sitting next to each other on an aeroplane:

First: So, where are you from?
Second: (obnoxiously) Well, where I'm from, we learn not to end a sentence with a preposition.

First: Alright, so where are you from, bitch?

[Little Miss Hurt]

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the
University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
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[`RaphX]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.


The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

[ROOFCUTTER]

haha raphX....that is a good one

here is a rather long one

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about he day you died.

"No problem.", said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home and catch them.

Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me!

Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."

"Sure thing.", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers!

Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy.", he thinks to himself. "Very well.", the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven",and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died.", said the angel. "OK. Picture this.", says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."
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Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.