Jokes

Kahlan Amnell · Posted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 4:25 pm Post subject:

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling
humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and
he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth
move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in
such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I
couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an
advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'
Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove
Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then
I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move
she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would
have prevented this accident.'" He won the case

Kahlan Amnell · Posted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 4:39 pm Post subject:

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a
water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen
another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was
chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you
are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both
three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a
minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of
the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all
the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it
and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was
asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked
for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I
wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that
the bear was gay."

Kahlan Amnell · Posted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 4:48 pm Post subject:

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US
naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL
BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
:usa

Kahlan Amnell · Posted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 7:13 pm Post subject:

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in
grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children
are restless because of this. The teacher says, "Whoever answers
the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here.
I'm smart and will answer the question."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham
Lincoln." The teacher said "That's right Susie, you can go
home." Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first.

The teacher asked another question, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther
King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny
was even madder than before.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do
for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John
F.Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy, you may also
leave."

Johnny was BOILING mad that he had not been able to answer to
any of the questions.

Then the teacher turned her back and Johnny said, "I wish these
bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turned around and asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"

Speaker's Xeno · Posted: Tue Feb 17, 2004 9:05 pm Post subject:

3 for 3 funny jokes

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ROOFCUTTER · Posted: Sun May 30, 2004 6:13 pm Post subject:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to
get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes
her hand and says,

"Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....."
he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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MunkeyEye · Posted: Sun May 30, 2004 10:50 pm Post subject:

WHY DO MEN DIE YOUNGER?

Pic 1
Pic 2
Pic 3
Pic 4

John Doe · Posted: Sun May 30, 2004 11:52 pm Post subject:

Although this is a joke, its also a true story....

Roofcutter got home one night after working all week at a job, he put in many extra hours so the job could be completed on time.

Mrs. Roofcutter felt that she was being neglected by her husband and demanded that he treat her right and take her someplace expensive!

So Roofcutter put her in the car and took her to the gas station........
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ROOFCUTTER · Posted: Mon May 31, 2004 12:32 am Post subject:

hahahaaa and then....

we were both reading that at the same time JD..hahahah rofl....

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Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Secret Agent Man · Posted: Mon May 31, 2004 2:15 am Post subject:

A drunk husband leaves a bar and goes home. he reaches his home in the middle of the night, and his wife is there waiting at the door for him. Shes really ticked off at him. He hasnt been home in like a week.

she asked " where the hell have you been?"

He gets his wife and takes up to the bed room and has hot steamy sex with her. after the sex the wife isnt mad any more. His cell phone starts to to ring and he doesnt answer it... it keeps ringing and ringing... and the wifes asks " hunny arnt you gonna answer it?"

and the husband replys "nah its probably the wife"

im not good telling jokes...
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FingerDemon · Posted: Mon May 31, 2004 5:28 am Post subject:

One of my favorite jokes....

Little Bobby the Builder (use your imagination on the expletives deleted)

A little boy is bored at home bothering his mother while she's trying to do other things around the house. Finally she gets exasperated and tells him to go play outside. So, little Bobby goes out into the neighborhood and finds that some construction workers are building some homes nearby. He is fascinated by this and begins to watch them. They notice him after a while and start talking to him. He keeps asking questions about what they are doing, so the construction workers all start explaining their work to him.

A few hours later he bursts through the door to his home.
"Mom, mom!! I met these guys building a house and they showed me how to build stuff! And now I know how to build a house!! I really know, do you wanna know? Do you wanna know how to build a house?!"
"Okay, honey okay. Tell me how you build a house?", she says.
"Well first you take some @%@# two by fours and frame em together with some good #%@% quality nails. Then you secure that to the @%$@% foundation and when you've framed the whole @#%$@#% space in, you hang your freakin wallboard." he blurts out.
"WHAT!?!", the mother screams appalled, "How dare you speak to me this way?!?"
"What? I'm just telling you how to build a house.", Bobby says disappointed.
"Don't you give me that, young man. Now you just go up to your room and wait for your father to get home!", she orders him.
Bobby waits dejected in his room until his father comes in.
"Hey tiger, I hear you got your Mom pretty mad?", the father says.
"Yeah, I was just telling her how to build a house." Bobby says.
"Hmmm... that doesn't sound bad. How did you learn that?", the father says.
"Some workers showed me.", Bobby says getting excited about it again, "Do you want me to tell you? I can tell you how to build a house."
"Sure, tell me how", the father says proudly.
"Well, first you take some @%@# two by fours and frame em together with some good #%@% quality nails. Then you secure that to the @%$@% foundation and when you've framed the whole @#%$@#% space in, you hang your freakin wallboard."
"WHAT!?!", the father yells, "I can't believe you'd use such language!!"
"But I'm just telling you...", Bobby complains.
"Don't give me any lip. You are in big trouble young man." the father says angrily, "Now you march right out into the backyard and cut a switch for your whipping!"
"Cut a switch?", Bobby says, "What do you think I am, a freakin electrician?"

Chan · Posted: Mon May 31, 2004 5:39 am Post subject:

So a baby seal walks into a club....
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MunkeyEye · Posted: Mon May 31, 2004 6:04 am Post subject:

A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the forest. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says no. And the bear picks the rabbit up and wipes his ass with it.

-Eddy Murphy in Delirious (The only 'clean' joke in that whole show)

thewz · Posted: Mon May 31, 2004 6:47 pm Post subject:

KillerRoofcutter · Posted: Mon May 31, 2004 9:57 pm Post subject:

har har lol
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