[John Doe]

Ok, I thought I would start a thread where everyone can post a joke or two.....


Just a couple of rules, this board is visited by people of all ages so lets keep the jokes clean, no cursing and swearing, nothing rude and offensive, just funny.


Should be easy to do.


Here are a few examples from me.
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[John Doe]

A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire State Building..... How do you tell them apart?

The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.
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[John Doe]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year....... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line!
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[John Doe]

A pompous evangelical minister was seated next to a cowboy in first class on a flight to Texas.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The light attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust: "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said: "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice".
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[John Doe]

Heres one for my friends in Alabama



Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,................... "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
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[Jfet Zener]

5-posts in a row? horrible...horrible. its all JD's fault. oh wait, it actually is this time =)



husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their
nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus
arrives, they discover it to be overloaded and only the wife and the
nine kids are able board the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the
husband gets irritated by the ticking noise the stick makes as the
blind
man taps it on the sidewalk and says to him:

"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick? That
ticking
sound is driving me crazy! "

The blind man replies:

"If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding
the bus, so shut up!

[ROOFCUTTER]

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."

[ROOFCUTTER]

True Doctor Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells,
"My wife's going to
have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff,
rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's --Dress,
and began to take off her
underwear. Suddenly I
noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was
in the wrong one.

=================================

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer
of bad news when I told
a wife that her
husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting
to the rest of the family
that he had died of a
"massive internal fart."

[Dominator]

[Kahlan Amnell]

This is why you shouldn't piss me off....

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid!" I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.

That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000.

In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

Flip one off?

.....I think not.

[Kahlan Amnell]

e-mail errors - It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

[Kahlan Amnell]

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times. When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised its level of unruliness. Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

[Kahlan Amnell]

Think your day is bad? Just remember, it could be worse!

* The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

* A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

* A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

* Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally. . . . . . .

* Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Your day's not so bad, is it?

[Jfet Zener]

[Seele_Kriecher]

was george washington's brother the uncle of our country?

how come first u cut a tree down, then u cut it up?

i put a dollar into a change machine once. nothing changed.

when two airplanes almost crash, how come they call it a near miss... wouldnt that mean that it almost missed? i think they should call it a near hit.

whats the science of shopping called?
Buy-ology. lol i told it to my bio teacher and she actually laughed.

i cant think of any more at the moment but more are sure to come.
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oh how wrong we were to think
that imortality meant never dying