[Hosway[CJP]]

Got these from my buddy khemurda: (and he got it from his friend)

"Please your husband"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup,
the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from
severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's
a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the
following four things, your husband will surely die".

"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work
in a good mood."

"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a
good frame of mind before he goes back to work."

"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with
household chores."

"Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have
sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed."

On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "So, I
saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell
you?"

"You're going to die," she replied


"I Want My Money!"

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to
Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way.
We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest
spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT
now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a
million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I
WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20
million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!
_________________

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Hosway[CJP] is now Doppelgangster.
Come, let's talk with swords!

[IrishMan]

the one about the wife was classic!