[Blown]

"Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, or 12"

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies,
"Those are called condoms, son....
Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively.
"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at
school."

He looks over the display and picks up
a package of 3 and asks,
"Why are there 3 in this package."
The dad replies,
"Those are for high school boys.
One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks,
"Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men." the dad answers,
"TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy,
"then who uses THESE?" he asks,
picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men.
One for January, one for February, one for March........

[Blown]

Is your life in a Rut?

Is Life getting to be too much of a Hassle?

Are you tired of getting nowhere in your boring job?

Would you like a New exciting and usual job?

Does weekends, holidays, rainy days, cold days, and hot days OFF appeal to you?

Would you like Free Housing?

Would you like Free Meals?

Would you like Free Laundry?

Would you like Free Medical and Dental Care?

And last but not least free college and legal services?

IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO EIGHT ( OR MORE OF THE QUESTIONS YOU COULD BE THE PERSON WE ARE LOOKING FOR!

It’s hard to turn down free vocational training in plumbing, cotton picking, electrical trade, shank making, auto paint and body, Homosexual acts, heating and A/C, fighting, masonry trades, computer science, Hoe dexterity, major appliance repair, Hog Sales, auto mechanics, Instigating, printing and other important vocational training courses.

WRITE TODAY!!!!!!!!

“I WANT TO BE A CONVICT”

In care of

William Wayne Justice
P. O. Box 99
Huntsville, Texas


Don’t Delay—60,000+ CONVICTS cannot be wrong.

[Blown]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[sSdD]

you scare me....i mean the first one, that was hilarious, i like the 12 part, and the 3rd one was ok, but the 2nd one, i didn't follow, but o well, didn't seem too funny

[Blown]

Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?


She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

-----------------------------------------

How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel?

When you call the front desk and say "I gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "go ahead."

---------------------------------------------

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

---------------------------------------------
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?

Documentaries.

---------------------------------------------

How many rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum'?

Two. One to eat it, and one to watch out for traffic.

---------------------------------------------

Where was the toothbrush invented?

Arkansas. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

---------------------------------------------

Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "Bout what?"

---------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

---------------------------------------------

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down?

Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

---------------------------------------------

A new law recently passed in North Carolina:

When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister

---------------------------------------------

Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says,"Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"

Jus' some chickens. If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"

Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."

OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"

---------------------------------------------

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?

Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

--------------------------------------------- Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?


'Cuz 17 and under are not admitted.

---------------------------------------------

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?

A full set of teeth.




Hope no-one is mad at me after this one.

[sSdD]

HAHHAAHHAHA!!!!!!! those are good, i haven't thought about those in a while, i know of some people that some of those apply to, haha, good ones about red necks, haha, where did u get all those??

[Blown]

one more but its kinda long so ill do it as a text file.



Uploaded file: cows[1].txt

[Lin Sivvi Defiant Hero]

Ok... Those are funny

[ROOFCUTTER]

Thank God the Vocational one didn't mention Carpenters!

[BitterBeerFace]

So there was a huge controversy about which law-enforcement agency is the best... the FBI, the ATF, and the LAPD... It caused so much trouble that G.W. Bush decided to arrange a test to settle the dispute, once and for all...

After a well-funded and exclusive committee deliberated on the way to test the 3 agencies, it was decided that 3 rabbits would be released into 3 forests, and the agency to catch the rabbit first would be the best.

Being the oldest, the FBI got to go first... the secretly infiltrated the woods, had squirrel informants, and after 3 years of surveillence announced that there never was any rabbit in the first place.

The ATF went next, and they immediately surround the woods with hundreds of troops, and gave the rabbit 3 hours to come out and surrender. After 7 hours, they burned down the woods and found the charred remains, claiming the rabbit deserved it anyway.

Finally, the LAPD got their turn... 4 white cops immediately ran into the woods and 10 minutes later they came out with a badly bruised and bloody bear that was yelling "Ok, Ok, I'll claim to be a rabbit!"

[BitterBeerFace]

Oh, just so you know, I'm the KING of long-winded and complex jokes

[Buford Pusser]

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy,
can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?"
"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the
bum. "You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum. "You wouldn't waste the money on Half-Life to play Team Fortress Classis, would you?", asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I don't play TFC."

The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are
heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play TFC."


_________________
Buford Pusser
"Walk softly and carry a big stick!"

[BitterBeerFace]

The following is a memo that I swear I got with my university entrance papers (hehehehe)

*** HIGH PRIORITY ***

TO: ALL STUDENTS
FROM: MnSCU BOARD OF DIRECTORS
SUBJECT: STUDENT HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure the highest level of student work and productivity, the board has formed a new policy to put all students through as much STUDENT HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (SHIT) as possible. We would like to give all our students more SHIT than any other university system.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of SHIT on campus, please consult your advisor. You will be immediately placed as high on the system-wide SHIT list as possible. The administrative system is being organized so students get all the SHIT they can possibly handle.
Students who don’t take their share of SHIT will be placed in DEVELOPMENTAL EDUCATION EVALUATION PROGRAMS for STUDENT HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (DEEPSHIT). Those students who still fail to get into DEEPSHIT will have to be enrolled in EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (EATSHIT).
Since our administrators and instructors should have taken their share of SHIT while in school, they don’t need to do SHIT anymore, and are plenty full of SHIT already. Some of the administrators and instructors who are incredibly full of SHIT have been asked to conduct a series of BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LESSONS (BULLSHIT). It is strongly suggested that all students attend as many BULLSHIT sessions as possible. Students who show a great tolerance of SHIT will be assigned to help with the dispersion of SHIT to others. These SHIT jobs are good experience for students heading into the workplace and will look good on resumes.
A new level of administration will be added to all campuses headed by the DIRECTOR of INTENSITY PROGRAMS (DIPSHIT). Each campus’ DIPSHIT will be chosen on the basis of being able to give those around him/her an astonishing amount of SHIT.
If you have any questions your campus DIPSHIT can not answer, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, STUDENT HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (HOTSHIT) on the MnSCU Board of Directors.

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, STUDENT HIGH INTESITY TRAINING (BIGSHIT)

[Blown]

HAHA..found this one today.


Bob was driving home after spending a great day on the lake fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home, so he was speeding just a little bit. As he was crossing a bridge, a
cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned Bob to the side of the bridge.

Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to Bob's car and said "You know how fast you were goin', boy?"

Bob thought for a second and said "Uh, 60?"

"67 MPH, BOY!! 67 MPH in a 55 zone!!!" said the cop.


"If you already knew, why'd you ask me?", Bob snarled back.

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire, and said, "You don't even look like you have a job!! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "Hey, I've got a job . . . a good job!"

The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the foul air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" Bob replied.

"What the hell does a rectum stretcher do, Boy?" asked the cop.

Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple fingers, then a couple more, and then one hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot *******?"

Bob replied, "I guess you give it a radar gun and stick it on the end of a bridge!"

[sSdD]

good gosh, where do u guys get all these things?? haha i like them all, those are good i especially like Blown's.....haha..i would say some but i don't have any good jokes o well, i'll just read and laugh at everyone elses