[FragFailure]

Credit goes to John Doe for this.

CAPS ARE MY COMMENTS


1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting construction barrels. DONE THIS MANY TIMES. HAVE IT DOWN TO A SCIENCE

2. Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle, so never use them. WE DONT USE THEM UNLESS THE COPS ARE AROUND.

3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation. THIS IS VERY TRUE. IF YOU LEAVE 1 1/2 CARS LENGTH BETWEEN CARS...ANOTHER CAR WILL TAKE THAT AND SQUEEZE IN.

4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. SOMEWHAT TRUE.

5. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. (Remember no-fault insurance: he might not have much to lose; you do.) SAD, BUT TRUE

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your anti-lock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. I DON'T HAVE ANTI-LOCK BREAKS.

7. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit before the traffic begins to back up. THE CONSTRUCTION BARREL IS ALSO ILLINOIS' STATE FLOWER.

8. The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information, just to make Chicago look progressive. THEY WORK, BUT ARE INACCURATE.

9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway. CARLIN CALLS THIS ENTERTAINMENT.

10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make our city look as if it conforms with other state policies; these are given only as suggestions and are readily unenforceable. ONLY ATLANTA, GA HAS FASTER DRIVERS THAN WE DO. SATURDAY NIGHT AFTER THE CLUBS LET OUT YOU SEE ABOUT 100+ IN A 55.

11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot. OF COURSE HE DOES, THAT'S WHERE THE FINGER COMES IN HANDY.

12. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in downtown Chicago. YES, THERE IS. IF YOU LIKE DRIVING THROUGH THE GHETTO.

13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you're lucky, you may see the unwitting breakdown victim get mugged. (The proceeds of such ventures are vested directly into Daley's campaign for Mayor.) ALSO BRING YOUR FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY OF GRADE 1000. ALSO OLD PEOPLE REALLY LOVE TO STOP, POINT, AND LOOK. THIS REALLY IS CAUSING MUCH WORSE CONGESTION.

14. Learn to swerve abruptly. The Chicago area is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to IDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes. WE CALL IDOT, IDIOT. CHANGING LANES (SOMETIMES MULTIPLE) ABOUT 3-5 TIMES IN MILE IS THE NORM HERE. I HAVE FOUND THAT DETROIT AND PITTSBURGH'S POTHOLES ARE WORSE.

15. It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. The city is founded upon such traditions. THIS HAPPENS TO ME WHEN IM CHANGING CD'S AND THE LIGHT CHANGES. THEY ARE IN A RUSH TO NOWHERE.

16. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way. SHOWS WEAKNESS

17. Giving the finger may invite armed retaliation. WE ARE THE MURDER CAPITAL IN THE US FOR A REASON.

18. All unmarked exits lead to the projects. OR SOME SLUM ON THE SOUTH OR WEST SIDE.


_________________
Frag 3:16 says I just gave you a visit

[ This Message was edited by: FragFailure on 2002-01-16 14:05 ]

[(+)ASSASSIN(+)]

Frag as I live in chicago and work in the burbs I couldnt agree with you guys more. takes me 1 hour and 15 minutes to drive 24 miles.

Id also like to 3 more bulletpoints.

1, No matter what our annual Rain or snowfall is, people in chicago magically forget how to drive when either of theses occurences take place.
2, If you see a license plate that has wisconsin or indiana on it "STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM THAT VEHICLE AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!!!"
3, Always remember that its not the guy who is driving 90 miles an hour that causes the accident, its the one he hits thats going under the speed limit.

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Alcoholism, Some call it a problem, I call it a gift.

[ This Message was edited by: (+)ASSASSIN(+) on 2002-01-16 14:36 ]

[Pornstar]

lmao, That is so true here in DFW as well. It sounds like I need to avoid driving to Chicago whenever I visit. My best friend is from Chicago and he says you guys hae the rudest drivers.

[Bada Bing]

Same here in Ca.
Add these as well please
1. 2 inch bumper rule. ie if you get 2 inches into road way go you have the right of way. (I learned this in Boston but applies everywhere)
2.There is a new vehicle code DWO it stands for Driving while OLD. Be very wary of these as they will cause slow downs on any road and if you try to pass them they speed up untill they have a heart failure or stroke.
3.One more new code DWVISI Driving while Vietnamesse in snow or ice. Hey I never saw snow there why would they know how to drive in it here in the states.



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If you hear the swirling of air do not worry my knife has already killed your @$$

[ This Message was edited by: Bada Bing on 2002-01-16 15:25 ]

[YourPowersAreWeakOldMan]

HAHAHA, that' great. It should really be called 18 rules for driving in any large city, that's the exact same way we drive here in Houston, and with such urban sprawl the city is too huge for the # of cops to patrol very well, they usually hang out int he same areas everyday so wehn you get there everyone slows down to about 10 miles over the speed limit.


They also forgot the rule about taking point. When people notice a car going faster than themselves they usually fall in line behind or beside it since the cops won't pull yu over if you're "Going with The Flow". On the tollways I use to get home I can usually go 90 safely, sometimes 100+ at night since the Tollway is the unofficial Speedway for the street races after they come off Wesheimer* blazing down the street with their Rice Burners.

1. CUTTING IN FRONT IS THE ONLY WAY TO GO, SOME SOFT HEARTED, OR SCARED, DRIVER WILL ALWAYS LET YOU IN.

2. NEVER USE EM ON THE FREEWAY, JUST INVITES PEOPLE TO SPEED UP AND TRY TO CUT YOU OFF. NOT EVEN COPS USE THE SIGNALS.

3. PEOPLE WILL TRY TO SQUEEZE IN ANYWHERE, AND IF ONE DOES IT MORE WILL FOLLOW, PRETTY SOON YOU'LL BE GOING BACKWARDS!

4. IF IT JUST TURNED RED YES, MOST CARS DON'T ACCELERATE FAST ENOUGH TO GET IN YOUR WAY.

5. I USED TO USE THIS TO MY ADVANTAGE WITH MY OLD CAR(IT WAS A 1980 COROLLA). I KNEW THE GUYS IN THIER NICE SUVS AND SUCH DIDNT WANT IT TO GET HURT SO I'D FORCE MY WAY INTO RHEIR LANE IF I WANTED TO GO SOMEWHERE, AND THEY ALWAYS MOVED.

6. PROBLEM WITH THIS IS THE GUY BEHIND YOU WON'T BE PAYING ATTANTION SO YOU GET TO GET REAR ENDED! YAY!

7. SO TRUE..

8. HERE IN HOUSTON THE TRAFFIC SIGNS SAY ONE THING "SIGN UNDER TEST" AND FLASH.

9. EVERY LANE IN HOUSTON IS THE "FAST LANE" IF IT'S CLEAR GUN IT AND FLY!

10. SPEED LIMITS HERE ARE 70 ON THE FREEWAYS AND TOLLWAY, SO PEOPLE JUST ADD ON THE PROPORTIONATE SPEED AND END UP LOOKING LIKE STOCK CAR RACES.

11. NEVER HAD THIS HAPPEN, I'M USUALLY ONE OF THE FASTEST AND PEOPLE FILTER THROUGH THE SLOW TRAFFIC LIKE, WHICH INSTEAD OF BEING INT HE SLOW LANE IS USUALLY PUTTING ALONG TOWING THEIR LAWN MOWING EQUIPMENT BEHIND AT ABOUT 40 MPH IN THE FAR LEFT LANE.

12. REALLY, THERE IS NONE HERE IN HOUSTON, IF YOU'RE DOWNTOWN, YOU SHOULD JUST STAY AT WORK UNTIL 8PM

13. OH MAN I SAW THE COOLEST CAR FIRE THE OTHER DAY......

14. POTHOLE SWERVING IS NOT ONLY A GOOD IDEA, IT MAKES DRIVING INTERESTING AND FUN AS WELL

15. I HAD TO DO THAT JSUT TODAY, THE LIGHT BARELY TURNED GREEN AND THE SPECTRUM HADN'T EVEN REACHED OUR EYES YET BEFORE I STARTED HONKING.

16. IT'S GREAT TO STARE AT OTHER DRIVERS NEXT TO YOU AT A LIGHT, THEY KNOW YOU'RE LOOKING AT THEM AND WON'T LOOK AT YOU, THEY'LL STARE STRAIT AHEAD AND NOT MOVE, OR PICK THEIR NOSE OR TEETH LIEK THEY USUALLY WOULD.

17. THE FINGER IS ABOUT THE SAME AS DRAWING A GUN, AND IN TEXAS IT'S LEGAL TO CARRY HANDGUNS AROUND IF YOU HAVE A PERMIT, MOST PEOPLE HAVE GUNS IN THEIR GLOVE COMPARTMENTS OR ON THEMSELVES WHILE DRIVING SO WATCH OUT!

18. OR OUT TO A GREAT BIG FIELD THAT HASN'T BEEN DEVELOPED YET.

[Snaggletooth]

Here are some from the Cheese State.

1. If a car has Illinois plates, get out of the way, they will pass you by any means possible. They insist on going at least 30 MPH over the *suggested* speed limit.

2. When entering a 4 way stop and there are Minnesota cars present, you have the right of way. Minnesota drivers have no idea how a 4 way stop works.

3. Yellow means speed up.

4. If there is an accident, get out of your car and see if it's anyone you know. Block as much traffic as possible.

5. If a State Trooper is on the freeway, pass him, he is after someone else.

6. Always act like you are in charge, people will move out of your way. (Wisconsin has some of the most considerate drivers in the US)

7. If you see an RV, look out. They are from Florida, and have no idea how to drive in heavy traffic.

8.If a driver is from Indiana, get off the freeway, they will most likely hit your car.
(My entire family is from Indiana, they are all bad drivers)

9. If a driver has their turn signal on and are carreening down the freeway, they wanted to get off on the last exit, and are very mad about it.

10. No space is too small for a Caravan to fit in. (People get out of my way, I love it. Cops don't stop me either....my van is brown.)

11. Police will only stop expensive cars, or cars that look expensive/fast. Otherwise, they scowl at you and your Grocery Getter.

If someone from Wisconsin is in your state, keep in mind they will do everything to give you the right of way, unless it's me. I'm originally from Minnesota.

[FingerDemon]

That's some funny stuff.

DC, is about the same, but there are a couple of funny things to note in addition to the stuff mentioned from Chicago and elsewhere.
With the potholes in DC you can't swerve to avoid them for two reasons. One, you aren't going fast enough in the gridlocked traffic for it to count as a "swerve". Two, the illustrious former mayor Marion Barry (you remember him from the FBI video) hired a distant relative to pave the roads. But get this, to save money they didn't use asphalt. They used some kind of macadam or something that hasn't been used since Henry Ford was a boy. The roads were so soft that a light rain could cause potholes and the pavement would melt in July. When they had a parade on the Mall after the Gulf War, the tanks literally left big indentations in the road everywhere they went.

So, I kind of got off point there, but you can't drive around a pothole when the potholes are everywhere and you can't miss them.

They are just fixing that stuff now, but at least DC handed over its Murder capital of the US crown to Chicago! Congrats, on that one Windy City!

Like Texas, Virginia also has concealed weapons laws, but ironically it is DC, which has a ban on almost all guns, that has the most shootings. Of course, they are buying their guns here, but hey that's interstate commerce. You don't mess with interstate commerce.

FingerDemon

[Pornstar]

Fuuny Funny stuff. Snag here in TX we are one of the big entry points for drugs coming from Mexico, so cops tend to pull over beat up cars and middle of the line-plain jane cars(Chevy Celebrity), to search for drugs or just to harass you. Fortunely we do not have to many pot holes. TX is considered the state with the best Hwys and roads. Lord knows we pay for them.

Because of all the ongoing projects and future projects, the state constitution was recently modified by Proposition 19 that allows the state to borrow money for road projects. I voted for this, but allowing any Gov't entity to borrow money is scary.

I also saw a car fire the other day. The car was parked on the right hand shoulder and I could feel the heat across four lanes in the fast lane.

Oh and if you want to be respected on the HWY in TX. Please at least drive the speed limit. I don't know what it is, but in the rural areas, when we upt the speed limits from 55 to 70 the Farmer Bills did not seem to notice and kept driving at 55.

And don't get me started on State Troopers. TX State Troopers think they are God's gift to police enforcement. I know I got a citation for illegal lane change for getting the hell out of his way when he was going after this lady for speeding.

Yes I would agree that all big urban areas are similar.

[Tommy.Chong]

LoL....im a backwoods boy from North Carolina so my rules apply a bit different.
you may realize your in too deep into NC when this occurs.

1) You ask for directions an the old man spits then says "you got 4wheel drive?"

2)Someone tells you to take a left 3exits down.....Never take a left 3exits down hell half the people here cant read so why trust their counting.

3)You take that 3rd left 3exits down and find you need that 4wheel drive.

4)The only club you find on a friday nite is the Cock fights..so you tell your wife togo.

5)THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR TOO FAR INTO NC IS IF YOU ENTER A COUNTY CALLED BURKE,its where i live,nothing here but rednecks an sluts.

[ROOFCUTTER]

I don't know what you guys are talking about. Here in Southern California we have no trafic problems. Just a looooooong music interlude between end of work and that first game of TFC.
Of course it takes 150 CD's in your car to keep from going crazy with repetetion. Not any Bob Marley either...pounding heavy metal
My philosphy is let them see you sing. Stare right at them and keep hitting the high notes. They always stop staring first.
Instead of the finger I use the smiling, hand wave. They either lighten up or just freak out. Either way the traffic just continues...I'm just glad I start out at 5:45 and miss most of the worst of it in the morning. In fact I'm going to be late now. got to goooooo...CYA

[Kahlan Amnell]

[Rebel_Rouser]

[l3eeron]

Out of all the places I've driven in, San Diego has to be THE craziest! Right behind Mexico and Las Vegas. Here is Southern CA, there is a weird mix of rich/poor, scared/over confident, old/young, illegal aliens who dont know what a red light is/goody two-shoes who actually make the 3 second stop, rubber neckers who HAVE to slow down and inspect every vehicle on the side of the road/people putting make up on, talking on the phone, eating and shaving while driving a standard tranny........You cant imagine the stupid things I've seen on the road here in the last 10 years. In a city where it hardly ever rains, any kind of fog/precipitaiton means for at least a double in travel time. The traffic around here is effected by EVERYTHING. Monday, I'm preparing for a half hour longer drive to work due to the time change!!! Not to mention auto insurance is insanely expensive here............


Anway, I'm moving to Colorado in 6 months. Any input on how the driving is there?
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[Speaker's Xeno]

LMAO you dont know how many times i have done that in chicago. and probably the best thing i still remember was the ups truck that sped thru the red light in the right lane along with me and my friend just to beat us to the next light cut us off and then get back into his same spot in the right lane to turn.....still dont know what that was about but hell it was funny as hell


every time i drive in chicago i get that good old picture in my head of the road warrior, and thats pretty much what i have to look forward to
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[Kahlan Amnell]