[Bada Bing]

Is this your job?

Subject: Power Failure





I think this guy should be promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without cause".
Actual dialogue of a former Word Perefect customer support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)

"Rigid Hall computer assistance, may I help you?"

Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away".

"Went away?"

"They disappeared"

"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing".

"Nothing.?

"It's blank; It won't accept anything when I type"

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Do you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little
light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know"

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord
goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the
wall."

"Yes , it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh Huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe you put your knee on something and lean over?"

"Oh, It's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's
dark."

"Dark???"

"Yes, the light is off and the only light I have is coming in from the
window."

"Well, turn on the light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power...A power failure? Aha, okay, we've got it licked now." Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
in?"

"Yes. I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really?. Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"





"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[Bada Bing]

Try this site for some fun.
http://www.zthing.com/index.php3
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[Whybkuul]

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'.
He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is
urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to colour, smell,
sight and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into
his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust.
But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed,
and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put
it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If
anyof you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put
my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."
_________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" -Ben Franklin

[Bright Red Nipples]

Anyone here that is married will understand this very well



WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE ~ This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES ~ This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING ~ If you ask her what is wrong and she says NOTHING, this means
something and you should be on your toes. NOTHING is usually used to
describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last FIVE MINUTES and end with the word FINE.

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) ~ this is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over NOTHING and will end with the word FINE.

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) ~ this means "I give up" or "do what you want
because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by NOTHING and FINE and she will talk to you in about FIVE MINUTES when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH ~ this is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal
statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over NOTHING.

SOFT SIGH ~ Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY ~ This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO ~ This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS ~ A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "You're welcome."

THANKS A LOT ~ this is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say,
"Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
_________________


God Bless You Blue Ruler

[CyC0Dad]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club, showering, getting
changed for the 19th hole. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man
picks it up, engages the hands free speaker function, and begins a
conversation:

(M=man, W=wife):

M: "Hello?"
W: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
M: "Yes."
W: "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a
beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"
M: "What's the price?"
W: "Only $1,000."
M: "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."
W: "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2003
models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave
me a really good price and since we need to exchange the BMW that we
bought last year ..."
M: "What price did he quote you?"
W: "Only $60,000."
M: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W: "Great! But before we hang up, something else ..."
M: "What?"
W: " I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house
we looked at last year. It's for sale! Remember? The one with a pool,
English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."
M: "How much are they asking?"
W: "Only $750,000 - a magnificent price. It may seem like a lot, but I
was reconciling your bank account ... and I see that we have enough in
the bank to cover the down."
M: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $720,000. OK?"
W: "OK, sweetie .. Thanks! I'll see you later! I love you!!!"
M: "Bye ... I love you too ..." The man hangs up and closes the phone's
flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The
man holds up the phone and asks "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[BitterBeerFace]

LOL DaD! That was a good 'un!

Now where did I leave my phone...?

[Whybkuul]

come on guys, where's the jokes?!?
_________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" -Ben Franklin

[The Nanite]

Does this count?


_________________

[Warhammer]

Did you hear about the new exorcist movie?

The woman makes a deal with the devil to get the priest out of her son!

[§udz]

War theres a fine line between on-topic and off-topic. And you my friend have just crossed the line.
_________________

[ROOFCUTTER]

HAHA I ran that thru the wife-O-meter and that is pretty funny War!



As a devout Catholic, Maria doesn’t use condoms with her husband. So over the years, they have had 17 children. After the husband died, Maria remarried and had another 22 kids with her second husband before he too dies. Eventually, Maria’s time also came.
At her wake, the priest looked tenderly at Maria lying in her coffin. Then, he looked up into the heavens and said, "At last... they are finally together."

A man standing next to the priest looked confused and asked, "Father, what do you mean? Do you mean Maria and her first husband? Or her second husband?"

Says the priest: "I mean her legs!"

[Bubbles]

LoL that was funny. Ok Here is somehting I have.

Warning Labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning:! May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my gosh...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
_________________
"Don't be a doodoobrain!"

[CyC0Dad]

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a West Virginia mountain
man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon, an Army barber shaved his head.

On his second day, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That
afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.

On his third day, he was issued a jock strap.

The Army is still looking for him.




P.S. The warning lables above are very funny !!

[Mongoose_Slayer]

Engineers:


Comprehending Engineers - Take One
>Two engineering students were walking across campus
>when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
>The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking
>along yesterday minding my own business when a
>beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the
>bike to the ground, took off al her clothes and said,
>"Take what you want."
>
>The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice;
>the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
>------------------
>Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
>To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the
>pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer,
>the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
>
>------------------
>Comprehending Engineers -Take Three
>A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one
>morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The
>engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have
>been waiting for 15 minutes!"
>
>The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never
>seen such ineptitude!"
>The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper.
>Let's have a word with him." "Hi John. Say, what's
>with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
>aren't they?"
>
>The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of
>blind firefighters.
>They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a
>fire last year, so we always let them play for free
>anytime."
>The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said,
>"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
>for them tonight."
>
>The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact
>my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything
>he can do for them."
>
>The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at
>night?"
>------------------
>Comprehending Engineers -Take Four
>What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers
>and Civil Engineers?
>Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers
>build targets.
>------------------
>Comprehending Engineers -Take Five
>Three engineering students were gathered together
>discussing the possible designers of the human body.
>One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at
>all the joints."
>
>Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The
>nervous system has many thousands of electrical
>connections."
>The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who
>else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a
>recreational area?"
>
>------------------
>Comprehending Engineers -Take Six
>"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't
>fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it
>doesn't have enough features yet."
>
>------------------
>Comprehending Engineers -Take Seven
>An architect, an artist, and an engineer were
>discussing whether it was better to spend time with a
>wife or a mistress.
>The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife,
>building a solid foundation for an enduring
>relationship.
>The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,
>because of the passion and mystery he found there.
>The engineer said, "I like both."
>"Both?" questioned the other two.
>"Yeah," replied the engineer. "If you have a wife and
>a mistress, they will each assume you are spending
>time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab
>and get some work done."
>
>------------------
>Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight
>An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog
>called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn
>into a beautiful princess."
>
>He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his
>pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you
>kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I
>will stay with you for one week."
>
>The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled
>at it and returned it to the pocket.
>The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me
>back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do
>ANYTHING you want."
>
>Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and
>put it back into his pocket.
>Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've
>told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with
> you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't
>you kiss me?"
>
>The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have
>time for a girlfriend, but a TALKING frog, now that's
>cool.

[Mongoose_Slayer]

Here's another one:

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the
> >counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
> >"Magic Beer", he says.
> >She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
> >realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the
> >man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
>
> >"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the
> >window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.
>
> >The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
> >He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
> >building three times, and comes back in the window.
> >She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says
> >to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
> >She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
> >plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
> >The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're
>
> >a real asshole when you're drunk."