Post your jokes

BitterBeerFace · Posted: Thu Apr 18, 2002 2:46 pm Post subject:

The Lucky Frog:

"So I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing. I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I thought nothing of it and was about to shoot when I
heard, "Ribbit. 9 Iron". I looked around and didn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." I looked at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, so I put my other club away, and grabbed a 9 iron. Boom! I hits it 10 inches from the cup. I was shocked. I said to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replied "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

I decided to take the frog with me to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" I asked. "Ribbit. 3 wood." So I took out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.

I was befuddled and did't know what to say. By the end of the day, I had golfed the best game of golf in my life and asked the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replied, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

We go to Las Vegas and the I ask, "OK frog, now what?" The frog said, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, I asked," What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replied, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, I figured what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. I took my winnings and got the best room in the hotel.

I set the frog down and said, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replied, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

I figured why not, since after all the frog did for me he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turned into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl....

......"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

Ghanja420 · Registered User Joined: 20 Aug 2001 Posts: 97

A blonde,redhead,and brunette are all in 4th grade, who has the biggest tits,

The Blonde cause shes 18

Violent Pacifist · Posted: Thu Apr 18, 2002 3:38 pm Post subject:

Three chinese tortures: (WARNING People who are squeamish should not read this)

This guy is lost in the woods, and is trying to find a place for shelther before dark. Luckily, he stumbles upon a small log cabin. He knocks on the door and is greeted by a Chinese man. Seeing his trouble, the chinese man allows him to stay for the night. But, as the lost man enters, he is warned by the chinese man
"I have a very beautiful and young daughter, but, if you lay a finger on her, I will use the three chinese tortures on you!!"
The man nods and enters the house. Upon seeing the man's daughter, he forgets all about the warning and begins to flirt with her. The chinese man in return says nothing, but does hold a steady glare upon the man. Tired from his trek in the woods, the lost man goes to sleep in the attic of the house. Upon awakening, he finds a medium sized rock on his chest labled "Chinese torture #1: Rock put on chest"
He shrugs, picks the rock up and tosses it out the window beside his bed. He then notices writing beside the window as well.
"Chinese torture #2: Right testicle tied to rock"
The man widens his eyes and falls out the window from the sudden pain and shock. After hitting the ground, he looks back up to the window to see how far he fell. As he does though, his face pales as he reads the writing on the outside of the window.
"Chinese torture #3: Left testicle tied to bed post"

§udz · Registered User Joined: 09 Apr 2002 Posts: 88

Awww...shoulda read the warning more closely.

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Bada Bing · Posted: Thu Apr 18, 2002 4:28 pm Post subject:

You are going to be very sorry you started this post cause I have hundreds of jokes to put here. So NEXT

This is Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and I

Betcha you can't resist passing it on

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Are you threatening me ???

hoaxie · Posted: Thu Apr 18, 2002 4:44 pm Post subject:

I love Dr. Seuss...

I did my semester paper on him in my American Lit class in college!!

Bada Bing · Posted: Thu Apr 18, 2002 4:57 pm Post subject:

more funnies

ITALIAN HONEYMOON

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia,
Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his
friends. Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was a da treep?" Luigi said,
"Ever'thing was a perfect except for da train a ride down." "What'a you mean,
Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautifula Virginia had
packed a biga basket a food with vino and cigars for a me, and a we were looking
a 'forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up a da
luncha basket. The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us and a say, 'No
eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car.'"

"So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and
begin to open'a bottle of vino! . Conductor walk by me again, wag his'a finger
and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car.
"So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a
cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a
car. Must'a go to smoker car.'"

"We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar. Later, my beautiful Virginia and I,
we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the
conductor, he walk'a through our corridor shouting at top of his voice,
'NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!' 'NO-FOLK'A VIRGINIA!"

"Next'a time, Im'a driva
down to Florida".

_________________

Are you threatening me ???

Brujah · Posted: Fri Apr 19, 2002 3:18 am Post subject:

Returning to school from summer vacation johnny's teacher asked what they did during thier summer. Johnny being all excited to tell his story raised his hand like most kids. so the teacher called on johnny.

"Yes Johnny what did you do during your Summer Vacation" Said the teacher.

"Well I was in the woods, and I saw a rabbit. So I started chasing him and all of a sudden, He ran up a bear's ass"

The teacher shocker corrected johnny "We don't ass in the class. We say rectum"

Johnny knowing exactly what she meant replied "Wrecked him hell damn near killed him."

yes yes yes I know it's old but I can't member any of my other slightly clean good jokes >:]

PondScum007 · Posted: Fri Apr 19, 2002 4:38 am Post subject:

and englishman, an american, and a candian are sitting at a bar, and the bartended gives them all a beer. then, at exactly the same time a fly flies right into each glass. the englishman pushses his glass away in disgust, the american picks out the fly and drinks it, and the candian picks up the fly, holds it above the glass and starts flicking it liek crazy, saying "give it back you baster! give it back!"

heh jk...i love canadia

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Bada Bing · Posted: Fri Apr 19, 2002 9:28 am Post subject:

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need
to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for
the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the
computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife
that he was keying in "p.. e.. n.. i.. s."

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD REJECTED: NOT LONG ENOUGH

_________________

Are you threatening me ???

Hamese · Posted: Fri Apr 19, 2002 10:23 am Post subject:

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[ops]Ender · Posted: Fri Apr 19, 2002 2:52 pm Post subject:

I'd love to see this used in the chicken mod!
What's the Last Thing to Go Through a Chicken's Head?

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The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields
on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the
aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-
craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break,
it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

The British had recently built a new locomotive that could
pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure
that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the
testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the
maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken,
and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the
engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of
the engine cab.

They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the
FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want
to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

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"There is no teacher but the enemy." -Mazer Rackham

[ops]Ender · Posted: Fri Apr 19, 2002 3:04 pm Post subject:

Sorry... I couldn't resist. Filter if you must...

----------------------------------------

The Top 12 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love

12. "Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!"

11. "Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must."

10. "Feel the force!"

9. "Foreplay, cuddling - a Jedi craves not these things."

8. "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!"

7. "Do me or do me not - there is no try."

6. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must!"

5. "You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz's hand up my ass."

4. "Happens to every guy sometimes this does."

3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"

2. "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!"

1. "Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?"

BitterBeerFace · Posted: Fri Apr 19, 2002 3:13 pm Post subject:

So there's an frenchman, a german, and a canadian... they get stranded on a tropical island with a tribe of natives... The three guys are brought before the native chief, and the chief tells them that the tribe won't tolerate outsides, but if they want to, they can go through the Unga Bunga ceremony, and they'll then be part of the tribe... otherwise, they'll be killed.

The german immediately pipes up and says he'd love to join the tribe... so the chief slams his staff down and yells "Unga Bunga"... 5 of his royal guards immediately run out and grab the german, and start raping him in the @$$... after about 2 hours, they stop...
The frenchman and the canadian are quite shocked, but the chief won't give them any other options...
So the frenchman says he'll choose Unga Bunga, since it's still better than death...
The chief slams his staff down and yells "Unga Bunga" again, and this time 10 of the guards rush out and proceed to 'take' the frenchman for 6 hours...
The poor canadian can tell the guards are getting sort of excited, and so when the chief asks him what his choice is, the canadian says "there's no way I can take that, so I choose death."

The chief then slams his staff down and yells "Death! By Unga Bunga!"

BitterBeerFace · Posted: Fri Apr 19, 2002 3:24 pm Post subject:

***Is BRN male or female? If female, I changed her to male for the joke... read on!

So BRN was gambling in one of the local casinos, and loses everything. Has no money, no credit cards... and no way to get home, since it's a very long walk... So BRN leaves the casino and there's only one cab outside, since it's 6am... BRN gets into the cab, and explains the situation to the cabby, but the cabby says no way, I don't care, you can't pay now, you can't ride...
So poor BRN has to walk for an hour to get home that morning.
The next week, BRN is at the same casino, and wins HUGE! On the way out of the casino, BRN sees the same cabby at the back of a long line of other cabs from the same company... So BRN decides to get even...
He goes to the first cab in line, gets in... when the cabby asks "where to?", BRN says "If I give you a blowjob, will you take me to the airport?" The cabby is pretty pissed and tells BRN to get the hell out of his cab... So as BRN is getting out of the cab, he says "Ok Ok, but one of you guys is bound to..."
So after doing the exact same thing with all the cabs, BRN gets to the last one... the same prick who wouldn't give him a ride last time. This time, BRN gets in the cab, and when the cabby asks where to, BRN says "I just won big-time! I'm on my way to the airport to go home, but when we pull out, I want everyone to know I did great, so could you honk your horn and flash you lights?" The cabby says sure, as long as the tip is good... BRN hands him a 20, and they take off...
So as they're driving by all the other cabs, the cabby is honking and flashing the lights, and BRN is leaning out the window giving all the other cabbies the thumbs up and saying "see, I told you someone would!"