[BitterBeerFace]

So there was a man in his mid-40's who had been having constant, terrible headaches ever since he was about 12... his doctor had been prescibing medications, but had to keep upping the dosagess, until finally the man decided to go to another doctor for a 2nd opinion...
The new doctor told him he has good news and bad news... the good news is that he knows how to cure his headaches... "that's great!" says the man, "let's do it!"
The doctor says "yeah, but this is the bad news... I have to cut off your testicles to do it..."
After a long time of consideration, the man agrees... his headaches are just too bad to go on like that.
So the doctor performs the surgery, and it is a complete success! For the first time in 30+ years, the man has no headaches! Upon being released from the hospital, he decides to celebrate his new freedom from pain... so he goes to a tailor's shop and tells the tailor to give him a brand new suit, hat, shoes, everything!
The tailor looks at him and says "Ok... that'll be size 10 shoes, size 7 1/8 hat, and a size 38 coat, right?"
The man is astonished... he asks "how did you know that?"
The tailor responds "I've been tailoring for 40 years, I know my business..."
The man is impessed, and tells the tailor to set him up with everything else
The tailor continues saying "pants, waist 36, inseam 34, right?"
"Right again" says the man
"Do you wear boxers or briefs?" asks the tailor
"Briefs" replies the man
"Ok, size 36 briefs it is..." says the tailor
"No, I wear size 34" says the man
"Oh no, that's not good... you don't want to wear briefs that are too tight... it holds your testicles too tight... gives you a hell of headache!"

[BitterBeerFace]

The pun contest...

I once entered a local newspaper's
pun contest, hoping to win the $100 prize. Just to be sure, I sent
10 of 'em in, knowing that one of them just HAD to win... but as it
turned out, no pun in ten did.

[Blown]

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs
underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he
sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a
"worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.

The Experience

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad
day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I
thought I would share .

My dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I
can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.

It's a wetsuit. This time of year, the water is quite cool. So what we do to
keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a
delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a
garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times
with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my
whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So,
of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds
my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage
was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine
had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to
it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched
what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my
ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5
other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the
dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As
I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for 2 days because my
asshole was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at
work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up
your ass.

[Bada Bing]

HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE!!
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an
order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We
don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You
don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I
can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"  "That's right." So I
shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of
months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items
and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up
one of those Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it
between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for
the bar code so she could scan it.  Not finding the bar code she said to me
"Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I
don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things
and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.....
MAKES YOU WONDER HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly.  When inquired as to what she was doing, she
said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card
number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need
some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery
to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.  Do you think they
(pointing to a distant
convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you
have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. I took the key and manually unlocked the
door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was
typing and turned to a secretary and said,
"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine
paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining
blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
"blank" copies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into
the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole
thing look like a scene out of a twister movie. I asked the manager what had
happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then
went in the back to make a sandwich.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOTS AT WORK... Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The
message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy
button each time they
thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector"
was working, the suspect confessed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."