[John Doe]

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
_________________

[John Doe]

OK, I loved this Dilbert from the weekend.




_________________

[Warhammer]

How many kids with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) does it take to change a light bulb?

"Wanna go ride bikes?!?"
_________________
Support wildlife. Throw a party!

[Gurrg]

Three guys were lost in a desert, nearly starving they come apon a house. Inside was a single woman. They opened up and:
"Hey ma'am do you have something to eat and drink? We're starved"

"I do, but you have to do somethign for me first"

"Sure, What is it?"

"Well i haven't had sex in 10 years, and if we have sex, i will give you some food, drinks and a place to rest."

Being as hungry as they are, a man agreed and they went inside. As he took off her pants they revealed a large disgusting scab on her private as it has been so long. He ripped it off, threw it aside, and continued.

After he was done he got the food and went out side to meet his partners and said.

"Hey i got some food!"

"No we're full, that pizza you threw out the window filled us up!"
_________________


The Ville-Addict----BR Site \/

[ROOFCUTTER]

this morning on the Interstate,

I looked over to my
left and there was a

woman

in a brand new

Cadillac

doing 65 mph

with her
face up next to her

rear view mirror

putting on her eyeliner.


I looked away

for a couple seconds

and when I looked back she was


halfway over in my lane,

still working on that makeup.


As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;

I dropped
my electric shaver,

which knocked

the donut

out of my other hand.

In all
the confusion of trying

to straighten out the car

using my knees against
the steering wheel,

it knocked

my cell phone

away from my ear

which fell


into the coffee

between my legs,

splashed,

and burned

Big Jim and theTwins,

ruined the damn phone,

soaked my trousers,

and disconnected an
important call..


Damn women drivers
_________________
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[Stevo]

Dumb drivers.
_________________

The Official TVR Website
Fopp
Song of the Week

[John Doe]

One day, while cleaning her son's room, a mother found a bondage S&M magazine in the closet. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until her husband got home, and showed it to him when he arrived.

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She asked him, "What should we do about this?"

The father looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."
_________________

[ROOFCUTTER]

Mrs. Ferrara comes to visit her son, Anthony, who lives
with a female roommate Vikki, for dinner. During the
course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this
had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more
between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki
and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever
since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to
find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took
it, do you?" Anthony replied, "Well, I doubt it, but
I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and
wrote:

Dear Momma,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from
my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever
since you were here for dinner.

Love,

Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email
from his Momma which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm
not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the
fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love,

Momma

Lesson of the day - Don't Lie to Your Mother.
_________________
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[Bada Bing]

Spiders

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent
his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and
stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed
she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she
asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot
and stomped them flat and said,

"Well, it might be okay in California, New York, or Massachusetts,
but we're not having any of that shit in Texas!"
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[Bada Bing]

Top Eight Morons of 2003

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter
after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He
received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter
who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California
spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded
himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters,
officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the
police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun,
kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different
automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to
withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked
for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too
small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself
for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words:
"Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's
not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My
wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted,
"This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!! In Modesto, California, Steven
Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America
branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate
a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
(hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!!) Last summer, down on Lake
Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield,
California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No
matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft
boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter
how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make
it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could
tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed
everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the
out drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size
and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
_________________

Are you threatening me ???

[sgt stutter]

A Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.



At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist."



That's when the proctologist fainted.
_________________

click--><eVa>SuperGreg

R.I.P Trigger Happy

[Stevo]

Good one stutter.
_________________

The Official TVR Website
Fopp
Song of the Week

[ROOFCUTTER]

Subject: Windows 2000 - TENNESSEE EDITION Date: Sat, 27 Mar 2004 08:26:02


Dear Consumers,

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2000
TENNESSEE EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the state
of Tennessee.

If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands.
The TENNESSEE EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen.

It reads:

WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of Willie Nelson superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.


Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"

Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN TENNESSEE EDITION:

Cancel. . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .stopdat

Reset. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . try'er agin

Yes. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .yep

No. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .nope

Find. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . hunt fer it

Go to. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . over yonder

Back . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . back yonder

Help. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . hep me out here

Stop. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . kwitit (WHOA!)

Start. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .crank'er up

Settings. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .settins

Programs. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . stuff at duz stuff

Documents. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . stuff ah done did

Also note that the TENNESSEE EDITION does not recognize capital letters
or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2000:
Tiperiter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a word processing
program
Colerin' Book. . . . . . . . . . . . . . a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen. . . . . . . . . . calculator
Outhouse Paper. . . . . . . . . . . . notepad
Inner-net. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Microsoft Explorer 5.0
Pitchers. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the TENNESSEE EDITION,
you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.


I hope this helps y'all!


Billy Bob Gates
_________________
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[John Doe]

Public Restroom Humor
Embarrassingly Funny!




I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin Just Fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up too?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

Can I come over to your place after while?

Ok, this question is just wacky but i figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...




"LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"
_________________

[Stevo]

I didn't expect that.
_________________

The Official TVR Website
Fopp
Song of the Week